Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a woman says she likes it she hates it, if she says she loves it she likes it, if she is speechless she loves it

   thinks that punctuality is appreciated in all situations except in bed.....apparently women are not for the whole "coming too early" thing!

   Though we made many advancements in society, sadly, pimpin' STILL isn't easy.

   Hey John its your grandmother. Could you tell me how to work this cell phone you got me for Christmas? ~ Sent via payphone.

   thinking that now that I have a laptop computer, iPhone, GPS and tablet PC, my ADD is actually a positive thing now.

   No matter what I do... I always end up back to Facebook... I try to look for other things to do online... but apparently seeing other peoples statuses, conversations, pictures, videos, and occasionally getting poked entertains me...

   still waiting for Spaceballs II: The Search For More Money to come out.

   just because the shampoo bottle says strawberry dont means it taste like strawberries

   I had a bad feeling Casey was getting off the hook when I saw the envelope the verdict was in had been sealed by duct tape.

   why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves!

   Most men discover that they've crossed the line from flirty to creepy five years too late.

   some people decided to put their umbrellas up when it was raining intelligence

   Admit it, sometimes, even when your crush does something really weird…. it still looks cute for you.

   You ever notice how awful your face looks in public restrooms full of fluorescent lights? Every cut, scrap, scratch, scar, scab, zit, bump, blemish, and pimple you had all seem to come out at the same time.

   My Vocabulary = 50% swearing, 50% sarcasm

   I hate how Facebook always ask "What's on your mind?" like I'm actually going to share tickets to this crazy train with all of my friends.

   It's sad that... last week's earthquake was the most movement we have seen coming from Congress in quite sometime now.

   Money talks...but all mine ever says is "good-bye."

   Do not confuse: 'Patching up things with your girlfriend' and 'Repairing the leaks in your blow-up-dolls"

   I am so addicted to the stupid games on FB that I don't think of getting older anymore, I just think I LEVELED UP!