Funny Status Messages

   Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??

   Happy Mothers Day to all the stay at home dads

   Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

   Today is one of those days where I wish I could restore myself to the factory settings.

   wondering how long it took the first humans to realize the first person to die was dead? " Hey man wake up already you are starting to smell."

   CNN Breaking news: Due to Government Shutdown, all the aliens in Area 51 have been released......

   Now, show me on the doll where the Government touched you...

   Just finished charging my iPhone. Lets see how long the battery la

   For our next trick, we should hack into North Korea's TV system and put Jersey Shore on repeat...

   I'm old enough to remember when a selfie was some lotion and a box of Kleenex.

   I don't regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren't on those bridges when I burned them.

   Go home North Korea, you're drunk!

   I've spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.

   Archie Buinker & George Jefferson together again......in a much better place!!!

   That'll teach the bltch to keep the house in the divorce... Before I left, I set 3 white rats free in the house with 1, 2, & 4 written on their backs.

   I get my: Cereal from a tiger, Insurance from a gecko, Toilet paper from a bear, Financial advice from a gorilla. It's people I don't trust.

   Going to a concert tonight. Doors open at 7pm, according to the ticket. That's a pretty impressive opening act.

   That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto-correct is like "I got nothing, man."

   May need to leave Facebook until after the election so I can maintain respect for some of my family and friends

   When the cable goes out, I like to sit down and do some writing. ...Usually a check to the cable company.