Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s sad when a girl breaks up and changes back to her “I need attention” Facebook picture.

   There's anxious, then there's me,, trying to get my tires lined up on the tracks at the car wash

   I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.

   Hey NFL, How about cracking down on all your players breaking the law? One would think a guy you're paying millions a year would be held to a higher moral compass than your average Joe.

   I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up

   Sorry to break it to you but,,,,, (1) I have high self esteem (2) I don't need your money; and (3) I hate drama....... So.....

   I am looking for contributors to the go F#ck yourself foundation I am starting. . .

   Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!

   A classic model Bentley owned by Keith Richards sold over the weekend for $1.2 million and features a secret compartment for storing drugs. The compartment is called Keith Richards.

   Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.

   Just because I constantly think of ways to make your life miserable doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

   With all this government shutdown, Rage Against The Machine should reunite. Plenty of new material.

   I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

   I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.

   Guys, man up. Your woman doesn't need two pu$$ies.

   This woman at the mall doesn't even seem to care that I found a lump on her breast that she didn't know about.

   Of course J-Lo can act, she's been pretending she can sing for years now.

   What time does the funny stuff start around here? I can come back…

   Its so humid I don't need to drink water I can breath it.

   thinks rap promotes punching, boastfulness, and disrespect toward ho's.