Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My current clothing style is a combination of "sh*t I'm late", "sh*t it's cold", with just a hint of "I'm too lazy to look socially acceptable for you losers".

   The Colts would of lost using a Nerf football. . .

   Here it is 2015 for crying out loud, and we still don't know who let the dogs out, the way to San Jose. who stopped the rain, where in the world is Carmen San Diego, what's in your wallet, or Victoria's secret.

   The best part about legalizing marijuana would be not having to listen to anyone else explain to me why we should legalize marijuana

   The stripper was getting tired of the same old thong and dance.

   If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.

   "I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN

   It’s sad when a girl breaks up and changes back to her “I need attention” Facebook picture.

   There's anxious, then there's me,, trying to get my tires lined up on the tracks at the car wash

   I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.

   Hey NFL, How about cracking down on all your players breaking the law? One would think a guy you're paying millions a year would be held to a higher moral compass than your average Joe.

   I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up

   Sorry to break it to you but,,,,, (1) I have high self esteem (2) I don't need your money; and (3) I hate drama....... So.....

   I am looking for contributors to the go F#ck yourself foundation I am starting. . .

   Whoever invented the 5 day work week and 2 day weekend can suck my a**!

   A classic model Bentley owned by Keith Richards sold over the weekend for $1.2 million and features a secret compartment for storing drugs. The compartment is called Keith Richards.

   Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.

   Just because I constantly think of ways to make your life miserable doesn’t mean I don’t love you.

   With all this government shutdown, Rage Against The Machine should reunite. Plenty of new material.

   I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.