Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.

   Just before I wrecked myself, I had the sense to chickity check myself.

   I'm at my sexiest when it's last call and you're pi$$ed at your boyfriend

   Why are there jelly donuts but no peanut butter donuts? And why no peanut butter and jelly donuts? And why is my mother an alcoholic?

   Squirrels have 4 teeth.... Jealous Tennessee?

   It's totally ok to create a Facebook account for your pet, provided you have severe mental retardation.

   Roses are red, your body is fine, I know we just met, but your place or mine?

   If you wear a pirates outfit to PetSmart... you can walk out with a like eight parrots on each shoulder and they can't say nothing.

   I am only going to say this once. I want the video involving me, the Cadbury Bunny and the marshmallow Peeps returned to me by tomorrow. No questions asked.

   If you recieve something that says, ”Send it to all your friends,” then please don't consider me as your friend.

   I tried to log on to my computer this morning but it wouldn't let me in. I shouted to my wife, "Babe, have you changed the password on the PC?" "Yes honey." "What is it?" "It's the date of our anniversary." Bltch.

   "He died doing what he loved, which was clinging to life and trying not to die, which he was very good at until recently."

   A true friend will bring you fresh underwear and shorts after you've accidentally sh*t yourself and not tell anyone. On an unrelated note, is anyone near El Amigo not doing anything?

   My life's one long beer commercial.

   No, you pay with drugs.

   Whenever I select "Next day delivery" for an online purchase, I imagine all these people running around yelling, "Code Red. Code Red!!" and scurrying like crazy.

   It's not an eating disorder if you're just trying to fit into your 300 dollar jeans, it's a financial obligation.

   The best way to a woman's heart is by saying three words ''- You lost weight...!!!!

   Just assassinated a huge spider with a slingshot and a Flinstone vitamin if anyone's looking for a bodyguard

   Why is anybody sad about Aaron Hernandez killing himself? He is a murderer. It's funny how people act like he's an angel now.