Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Selfish people end up with no real friends......and they deserve it

   Dwayne Wade n Chris Bosh both took cpr classes this summer... just incase Lebron decides to choke again this year.

   Ahhh yes! My favourite day of the year, Friday the 13th,, ,, just sharpened my machete and dusted off my goalie mask,, well, off to the lake, see you later!!

   I want to have 3 kids and name them Ctrl Alt and Del, so if they f#@k up I can hit them all at once.

   I love a woman with passionate thoughts, eloquent words, and a beautiful mind...oh, and a nice rack too!

   Save money! Plastic christmas tree...plastic valentine roses.

   Just because you have tattoos all over your body doesn't mean you look buff with your shirt off..

   A friend in need is a pest indeed.

   Whatever you do DO NOT look the bell ringers in the eye's...

   How come some people always think they have to have the last text?

   Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.

   Facebook: helping people stay in touch with their exs they shouldn't be staying in touch with, one break up at a time.

   Dear Mr. Ice Cream man: Please change your song.. That sh!t was played out in the 80's

   I have a chip on my shoulder(Cool Ranch Dorito)

   If you want to make your dreams come true, the first thing you have to do is wake up.

   Apologies to the vegatarians, My food poops on your food,

   If you don't make time for those in your life that are important, then don't be surprised when one day they stop making time for you.....

   while at a local Chinese restaurant I noticed a suggestion box and I wrote, "Free Tibet"

   You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

   That girl is such a drunk. Every time I'm at a bar she's there.