Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 232 of 6437

would like to observe a moment of silence for all the innocent brain cells that lost their lives over the weekend.
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09-20-2009 20:20 by LB
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I'm going to spend Valentine's day with my ex..... Box 360

You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
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08-09-2011 09:22 by @clarkysj
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The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.

Dear kids, there is no Santa. Those presents are from your parents love, Wikileaks
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12-23-2010 05:17
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According to SOPA you can get five years for downloading a Michael Jackson song illegally, that's a year more than the doctor who killed him.
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01-19-2012 03:12
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Maybe you should eat make-up so you can be pretty on the inside.

Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
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04-13-2014 16:00
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Life isn't a fairy tale. It's a fill-in-the-blank choose your own adventure scratch & sniff colouring book with missing pages and random highlighted passages that make no sense to anyone but the author.
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05-05-2014 10:53 by Udit
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I'm going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You'll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.”
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03-16-2010 15:53 by Aaron
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Ever notice that people who snore seem to always fall asleep first?
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03-22-2010 02:30 by KG
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Warning. Going to sleep on Sunday will cause Monday. Please note that staying awake all night does not prevent Monday. There is no cure.
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03-29-2010 16:28
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Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.....

I bet when Hugh Hefner dies no one will say "He's in a better place now."
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03-28-2013 13:05 by J.D.
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If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
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04-05-2013 17:25
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Black smoke rose from my toaster this morning... a new pope tart has been chosen..
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03-13-2013 14:09 by jdpower
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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I'm in 3rd.
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10-10-2012 14:11
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If you're dealing with any personal issues, family drama or problems with something a person has posted about you... let me encourage you to share it on Facebook. Give full details and we'll help you sort it out. That's what we're here for.

omg I just found out I'm allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!
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07-27-2011 20:01 by BEGO
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Mrs. Bin Laden just updated her Facebook status to single.