Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I take a shower with a girl I pee on her leg to mark my territory.

   Turn your clocks back to before Obama became president

   Why do men get circumcised? Because women will GRAB anything with 20% off!! :))

   in a recent poll asking if illegal immigration is a problem...A: yes 20%, B: no 10%, C: no comprende 70%

   The fact that no one understands you does not make you an artist.

   Typing a huge paragraph with your true feelings, but then erasing it and typing “yeah…”

   Sometime I look at people and think, "I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and sh!t a better argument than that"

   Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man, fishing's not that hard.

   you dont pay her for sex, you pay her to leave after you are done

   Christmas 2011 : Justin Bieber Barbie

   Things to do in a public restroom... "Say peek a boo, I see you!" to the person in the next stall just to see what happens

   A burp is just a fart that took the elevator.

   If it was up to me, Pregnancy test would only have 2 cool results; PINK - You are screwed & BLUE - Keep on screwing.

   After careful consideration I've decided i'm giving up using autocorrect on my iPhone for Kent

   Geez....Why do they only make hand creams that smell feminine? Why can't they they make one with a masculine scent? Something like Doritos or WD-40?

   I am not sarcastic – I am hilarious. I am not annoying – I am just cooler than you. I am not a jerk – I just don't like you.

   ...Every bankruptcy begins with Kay

   Dreamt I was forced to eat my way out of a ginger bread house

   In 1911, Dracula fed himself 16 year old virgin girls' blood. He died of hunger in 2011.

   I don't want a sky full of lighters! I just want the one that fell under my driver's seat!