Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear ladies, We love when you play with our balls and not our minds.

   If there is water in a watermelon, then whats in a kumquat?

   For Sale: Gently used Boeing 777. Everything looks to be there except black box. Comes with like 257 tourists & new rims. No weirdos or checks.

   There's a dentist in Minnesota that kills lions and bears. There's a football team in Minnesota that can't beat lions or bears.

   We don't need to worry about an Ebola outbreak in the US. After all, our borders are secure, right?

   "not a complete idiot, some parts are missing "

   dear lord: please give us back tupac & we'll give you justin beiber in return.

   All birds find shelter during a rain. But the eagle avoids rain by flying above the clouds. Problems are common, but attitude makes the difference!

   Whenever I take a shower with a girl I pee on her leg to mark my territory.

   Turn your clocks back to before Obama became president

   Why do men get circumcised? Because women will GRAB anything with 20% off!! :))

   in a recent poll asking if illegal immigration is a problem...A: yes 20%, B: no 10%, C: no comprende 70%

   The fact that no one understands you does not make you an artist.

   Typing a huge paragraph with your true feelings, but then erasing it and typing “yeah…”

   Sometime I look at people and think, "I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and sh!t a better argument than that"

   Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man, fishing's not that hard.

   you dont pay her for sex, you pay her to leave after you are done

   Christmas 2011 : Justin Bieber Barbie

   Things to do in a public restroom... "Say peek a boo, I see you!" to the person in the next stall just to see what happens

   A burp is just a fart that took the elevator.