Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I really wish I knew why my real parents sent me to Earth without my superpowers.

   Time to buy groceries. More food in a crack house than around here!

   "Dr. Oz" sounds like the guy you'd buy shrooms from in community college.

   You can tell whether or not your relationship is going to last by simply watching her eat a Popsicle.

   Never trust a woman with smelly armpits.

   Gotta hand it to midgets sometimes. You know, cause they can't reach and all.

   Ladies: Can we have more head and less headaches please!!

   Internet postings show that the Northwest Airlines terrorism suspect was depressed and lonely. Apparently the thought of arriving in Detroit just put him over the edge.

   Ran into a flasher today, but it's so cold out he handed me a picture instead!

   believes that if you tellyour boss what you really thinkof him, the truth will set youfree.

   how much dryer detergent do you put in the dryer?

   Thank You Mr. Edible Underwear Maker: You combined two of mans favorite things Panties and Food. They're a snack, they're underwear, they're a snack AND underwear. Brilliant! Nothing says, "I want you" like a mouthful of underpants!!!!

   My life is based on a true story.

   Fat bottomed girls, You make the rockin' world go round.

   When your favorite song comes on and you excitedly say "Yo this is my jam!" You should know, I die a little bit inside for knowing you.

   Living on Earth may be expensive...but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun :)~

   A Tibetian Mastiff was sold in China for 600,000 dollars. You can buy the same dog in Vietnam for 5 dollars and it includes a side of fries and a drink.

   I'm not a tease, I'm just a reminder of what you can't have

   thinks Cupid should upgrade to a crossbow and dip his arrows in Rohypnol to help out the really ugly people.

   What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? About 45 lbs