Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drugs give me the confidence to do things I never thought possible. Like, lead police on a 12 hour high speed chase.

   Been seeing this girl for a while so I think it's time to pop the question. Anal??

   A hoes favorite line is, 'Don't judge me, you don't know what I been thru'.....Yeah I do, a lot of d*ck.

   Repaired a vacuum the other day. It was easy,,, I just stuck a Tampa bay Bucs logo on it... Now it sucks just fine

   Fuzzy, shaved, hairy, landing strip, brazilian, I love them all..

   My girlfriend is like my iPad...........I don't have an iPad.

   Excuse me guys, help here. What does it mean if the husband of a woman you have been flirting with on Facebook sends you a friend request? Am I in trouble? Should I be worried?

   Whoever made the Sam I Am status shoud finish it.. that was some good stuff!!

   36 Million pounds of tainted ground turkey was recently recalled. I'm not sure why anyone would want to buy turkey taint in the first place.

   A big thankyou goes out to the inventors of texting on cell phones and social networks like Twitter! Teaching women to say what they really mean in 140 characters or less! Something men have been trying to teach them to do since the cave man.

   My girlfriend asked me what "misogynistic" meant and I told her to shut the hell up and get her fat ass back in the kitchen.

   Girl you're so ugly that when construction workers see you they get back to work.

   If I were a Caveman I would have masturbated in front of a T-Rex just to make him jealous!

   I'd like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

   I don't cuddle,,,,,,,but I'll hold you tight while I'm F*cking You!!

   Tortilla chips - aka The Mexican Fork

   How to eat an Oreo: First you twist it...... Oh it broke...

   I'm ASKING you to read this and TELLING you a soldier chooses to serve and fight for ALL Americans unconditionally. Perhaps the government should return the favor

   did you know that the word "bed" looks like a bed itself?

   Somebody slipped a hangover in my drink last night