Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Having Grey Goose For Thanksgiving Dinner

   ❒ Taken ❒ Single ✔ Taking singles to the strip club

   Apparently riding the dog like it's a small horse is FROWNED UPON in this ESTABLISHMENT!

   If I aimed to please, I wouldn't piss on the seat.

   Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land." Then about 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel

   Not a gal that finds it attractive or even complimenting when a married man hits on her. Keep it at home base, dude.

   says that the depressing thing about tennis is that, no matter how good you get, you will never be better than a wall

   When the World calmly tells you, "Give Up" on your struggles to success, You whisper back and say, "Hell...No"

   A recent survey showed 65% of Americans can't name a single Supreme Court justice and that's sad because HELLO Judge Judy.

   I hate allergies! Does anybody know how to turn Meth back into Sudafed? Just asking!

   Been seeing this girl for a while so I think it's time to pop the question. Anal??

   A hoes favorite line is, 'Don't judge me, you don't know what I been thru'.....Yeah I do, a lot of d*ck.

   Repaired a vacuum the other day. It was easy,,, I just stuck a Tampa bay Bucs logo on it... Now it sucks just fine

   Fuzzy, shaved, hairy, landing strip, brazilian, I love them all..

   My girlfriend is like my iPad...........I don't have an iPad.

   Excuse me guys, help here. What does it mean if the husband of a woman you have been flirting with on Facebook sends you a friend request? Am I in trouble? Should I be worried?

   Whoever made the Sam I Am status shoud finish it.. that was some good stuff!!

   36 Million pounds of tainted ground turkey was recently recalled. I'm not sure why anyone would want to buy turkey taint in the first place.

   A big thankyou goes out to the inventors of texting on cell phones and social networks like Twitter! Teaching women to say what they really mean in 140 characters or less! Something men have been trying to teach them to do since the cave man.

   My girlfriend asked me what "misogynistic" meant and I told her to shut the hell up and get her fat ass back in the kitchen.