Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My day is not complete until I get someone to shake their head.

   If you refuse to argue, you automatically win the argument.

   Someone prank call me, I'm bored.

   I think I’d rather be asleep than woke. They seem to be so unhappy

   The more people mention Trump, even in a joke, the more publicity he gets. Thanks for fueling the Trump Machine.

   Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance: the five stages of me getting up every morning!

   Celebrity drug dealers are having the worst fiscal year...They're gonna need a government bailout..

   I pissed a taxi driver off today. I told him to reverse all the way to my house. He had to pay me $8.20

   Just bought forty copies of Justin Bieber's latest CD as Christmas presents for all those who really pissed me off throughout 2011.

   You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo?

   I wonder if people with eye patches thought.....I See You!

   The movie "Ted" is just Stewie and Rupert grown up

   Wondering if it's ok to ask someone with an eye patch,,,,, "Well, was it all fun and games up to that point?"

   First rule of ADHD club: Never talk about..Nice hat! You ever own a hamster? I did. Lost him in the dryer. Do you like dachshunds? Watch me do a cartwheel! Okay, who wants brownies?

   I wanted to do a mexican joke today but that's just crossing the border!

   If you search “askew” in google search, the page will tilt slightly clockwise. (Try it now).

   In honor of Michael Phelps 4th place finish, I'm firing up the bong.......

   I always wonder what the weather men in Arizona do with their time slot. "Well people all week, hot and no rain!" Back to you Jim.

   I'm not saying shes fat, I'm just saying if I had to pick five of the fattest people I know, she'd be three of them.

   How much for the sluts? Sir, that's a package of socks