Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am so hungry I can eat a horse and a small fries.

   Not sure who swept New york faster.. The Hurricane or the tigers

   B-E-F-O-R-E not b4. We speak English not fuc?ing bingo.

   I just tried drinking orange juice with pulp in it and I finally understand why women don't like to swallow...

   Remember, ladies...It's better to wake up with a mysterious gash on your finger than a mysterious finger in your gash.

   If a girl is puking I will always hold her hair back. That way I can aim her head and use her as a vomit gun.

   All of my Ex's nicknamed me Subway because I've got low quality meat and lie about being 6 inches

   I'm black but not "ain't nobody got time for that" black.

   Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

   Italy seizes $30 million from the Vatican in probe. Nice to finally see the Catholic clergy on the receiving end of a probe.

   Computer Geek's Pickup Line: Is your name Google? No. Why? Because you have everything I've been searching for!

   A friend of mine inserted an wanted ad in the Craigslist: It said "Wife wanted". Next day he said that he received a hundred replies. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

   in a relationship with the Craigslist Killer and it complicated!

   Relationships are like farts, if you push to hard, things could get messy!

   I just accidentally dropped a bowling ball on my bed and my wine glass fell over. I wish I had Tempur-pedic bed

   knows you laugh at him because he's different. He laughs because you're all the same.

   ..time is precious so be careful who you waste it on.

   the only time love comes before sex is in the dictionary.

   I had a really big hangover this morning. I sat on the edge of the bed naked.

   U can win any argument if you put "technically" before any statement