Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some days I feel like I own waterfront property on $h!t Creek.

   In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room

   It's pretty bad when Playboy deletes their FB page because they don't want to be associated with "low values"

   It's safe to assume that anyone who has a wedding band tattooed on their finger was not a statistics major.

   n't it curious that the SAME FBI interviewed the Orlando Shooter 3 times and found nothing incriminating ..... ALSO interviewed Hillary Clinton and found nothing incriminating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ....... Ya folks ..... We're really in good hands now!

   "Melania's Speech was 100% real... Trust Me I was THERE!" - Brian Williams

   The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn't work if it isn't open.

   Calm down,,, the rhythm is not going to get you.

   I hate those people who ride your bumper and then start flashing their lights at you. Like, Hey- look at me, I’m driving an ambulance.........

   Gary Johnson is the Discover Card of presidential candidates. You'll use him in a pinch, but you're kind of embarrassed about it.

   At this rate, it's starting to seem like Americans will be voting on which candidate to keep out of jail in November.

   If you're valet parking your PT Cruiser you should just hand over the keys and tell them to drive it off a cliff.

   Drink Bacardi while you workout and call it Bacardio

   I hope instagram is still around in 10 years so I can show my kids what my food looked like in 2013

   Day 4 of no alcohol: Morale is low. I just drank some eye drops.

   Why is sorting "Price: High to Low" even an option

   What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.

   So tired I just ignored a fly walking on my face like I was in an 80's hunger commercial.

   "Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can't hit a baseball."

   I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.