Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope Gryffindor wins the World Cup.

   Officer, I was not "texting" while driving. I was "watching a movie on my iPad"

   The reverse side also has a reverse side?

   I love bald men with no dress sense that make me feel bad about myself....I swear I will marry one...ok?

   There's a new social networking site for girls with great bodies but not so great faces. It's called Butterfacebook

   Thinking that they need to change the name from child support to lifestyle support...

   It drives me nuts when people say "I could care less" which indicates that you do infact care. But if you "COULDN'T care less" that, my dear friend, is when you really don't give a sh*t.

   People say I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

   Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

   The bladder: Nature's alarm clock. Snooze button not as reliable, though

   got a leaflet asking to donate clothes for the starving people of the 3rd world......I laughed so hard...if they can fit into my clothes then they are not starving

   Handle every situation like a dog.If you can't eat it or hump it,then p*ss on it and walk away.

   Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters into own hands.

   In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word - "Yes Dear."

   When I'd go to clubs, I'd spend half the time texting people who weren't there. Eventually I realized I could just send those texts from home.

   knows Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words...

   And now, a few words by Stevie Wonder... ".. ...:.. ::.... .. . .:.:: ... :.::..." Pretty deep right? I damn near cried when he said, ".:.:: ... :.::..."

   Rihanna should date Lebron... he never beats anyone.

   All those years of phone sex has caught up with my grandfather. He has hearing AIDS

   The brochure for my new camera says that the shutter speed is so fast that you can photograph a hummingbirds wings in flight, or a woman with her mouth shut