Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I'm just kidding there's no pizza.

   It may be a tell-tale sign that I'm spending too much time online when the dogs recognize the sound of my computer shutting down and get excited about it.

   Rumors are swirling that Bruce Jenner is in talks with Britney Spears to do a duet of the song I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman

   Statistically men think about sex every seven minutes… for about six minutes

   I'm a licensed insultant

   My girlfriend just asked me to make her feel special. So I gave her a helmet and a box of crayons.

   For every one text I send my mother, I have to send 4 more texts explaining what it means

   Day 4 of shut-down: As long as nobody lists the U.S. on eBay and let Canada or North korea buy us..... We should be fine.

   "Laws should be like clothes. They should be made to fit the people they serve.

   Sure the early bird gets the worm, but what does that say about the worm? He got up early too... Well, the point is,,, Ummm.

   If a girl doesn't answer you immediately, it's only because she's telling all her friends about what you just said.

   When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the "math" part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

   my brain has too many tabs open.

   The way my kids freak out on Christmas morning, that's the way I feel right before I open my breakfast beer!

   I don't know about you but I'm that guy who will strike up a conversation with you while waiting in a long line.Tell a joke to all the people standing there to change their day and mine also. I enjoy people..... and life is too short!

   Funny how the russians are so anti gay, yet they got a metal in mens figure skating

   knows Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words...

   And now, a few words by Stevie Wonder... ".. ...:.. ::.... .. . .:.:: ... :.::..." Pretty deep right? I damn near cried when he said, ".:.:: ... :.::..."

   funniest joke ever... 2 women sitting on a bench minding their own business saying nothing

   finally done with his taxes and has come to the conclusion that taxation WITH respresentation isn't that great either!