Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lying in bed last night unable to sleep and my girlfriend asked me how many sexual partners I've had. Counting them certainly put me to sleep.

   If anyone asks, I've been here all day. You all are now apart of my alibi... don't f*ck this up!

   If Bebier goes to Jail will he come out singing like Eminem ??

   If Moses were alive now I'd like to think G0d would be cool enough to give the 10 Commandments on a convenient flash drive.

   The reviews are in... And Yes, I am awesome

   Go french kiss a power outlet.

   A bird just got trapped in our wind chimes and made the next Bon Iver record.

   My wife laughed at me because I struggled to get a proper full on erecti0n, I told her ''Its a lot harder than it looks''

   Sorry, I brought neither the noise or the funk today.

   JUSTIN BIEBER: "I'm famous because I have thousands of fans and I am only 18." GOKU: "B!tch I have billions of fans and I don't even exist."

   Life gave you lemons because you stood around with your hands out waiting for someone to give you something. Pick your own goddamn fruit.

   Beauty of Vodka:It looks lik Water!! Beauty of School:Water Bottles are Allowed Irony of Life:We didn't Realize This During Our School Days.

   Do magazines really have to add "Alive" to "Sexiest Woman" or am I just grossly underestimating the number of necrophiliacs in the world?

   Just listened to Call Me Maybe for the first and last time.

   Two things: 1. There are no ugly girls. Everybody is beautiful in their own special way. 2. Just kidding.

   If a fat lady gives me a donut, I consider it a sacrificial act on her part.

   Redial; because hanging the phone up on you once isn't good enough...

   It makes me very uncomfortable when the doctor is checking my balls for lumps. Especially during a prostate exam.

   Killed a spider without screaming so I'm pretty sure I'm about to get elected as the next Secretary of Defense.

   When I turned 40,,, the fast Super Mario music started playing.