Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife laughed at me because I struggled to get a proper full on erecti0n, I told her ''Its a lot harder than it looks''

   Sorry, I brought neither the noise or the funk today.

   JUSTIN BIEBER: "I'm famous because I have thousands of fans and I am only 18." GOKU: "B!tch I have billions of fans and I don't even exist."

   Life gave you lemons because you stood around with your hands out waiting for someone to give you something. Pick your own goddamn fruit.

   Beauty of Vodka:It looks lik Water!! Beauty of School:Water Bottles are Allowed Irony of Life:We didn't Realize This During Our School Days.

   Do magazines really have to add "Alive" to "Sexiest Woman" or am I just grossly underestimating the number of necrophiliacs in the world?

   Just listened to Call Me Maybe for the first and last time.

   Two things: 1. There are no ugly girls. Everybody is beautiful in their own special way. 2. Just kidding.

   If a fat lady gives me a donut, I consider it a sacrificial act on her part.

   Redial; because hanging the phone up on you once isn't good enough...

   It makes me very uncomfortable when the doctor is checking my balls for lumps. Especially during a prostate exam.

   Killed a spider without screaming so I'm pretty sure I'm about to get elected as the next Secretary of Defense.

   When I turned 40,,, the fast Super Mario music started playing.

   The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."

   I just want to snuggle with you until it's sex.

   I was looking out the window when my wife asked what I was staring at. I mumbled, "Must be about 32C out there..." is that the temperature? she asked "No! the neighbor lady is sunbathing topless" I replied

   Tequila is Spanish for I’m open to waking up anywhere.

   BREAKING NEWS: Ariel Castro confirms that he is a swinger.

   Reincarnation, evolution, whatever. At some point, Larry King was a possum.

   I just assume that everything in a gas station bathroom is coated in a thin layer of HIV.