Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know I can think of two... no, three things that really irritate the f*ck out of me... make that four... ok five.... f*ck it... there's like 10 now!

   I farted today and totaled the Smart Car I was standing next to.

   These tornadoes are awful...I blame the violence in tornado themed video games

   The #1 song when you were born is a great idea, however, if they came out with an app that gave the #1 song when you died, I think I would stop listening to music

   If I've given you a card at your birthday party, know I bought it a half-hour ago and signed it on the dashboard of my car 5 minutes ago.

   If you ask me, people who harm children should be strangled at birth.

   Crazy Fact… People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.

   They should make a Rosetta Stone that helps men understand what the heck women are actually trying to say.

   The jersey shore cast is dumber than a 5th grader..

   Truth of life - Mother`s tears hit your heart and wife`s tears hit your pocket.

   My GPS says (estimated time of arrival), I see (TIme to beat)

   Football is a game in which a handful of men run around for one and a half hours watched by millions of people who could really use the exercise.

   If it wasn't for my random sputterings insane ramblings and wild hallucinations I'd be as normal as you.

   wonders if "I Am" is the shortest sentence in the English language, does that make "I Do" the longest sentence?

   if a girl cheats on her bf tonight, then sets back her clock, it won't count because your reliving that hour w daylight savings and the universe cancels it out

   Washington DC didn't ban a nativity scene this Christmas. They just couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin anywhere in the city

   Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

   I wish my homework was asexual, so it would do itself.

   To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

   Sorry To Hear The Size Of Your Snow Angel Made You Realize You Need To Go To The Gym.