Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Truth of life - Mother`s tears hit your heart and wife`s tears hit your pocket.

   My GPS says (estimated time of arrival), I see (TIme to beat)

   Football is a game in which a handful of men run around for one and a half hours watched by millions of people who could really use the exercise.

   Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

   I wish my homework was asexual, so it would do itself.

   if a girl cheats on her bf tonight, then sets back her clock, it won't count because your reliving that hour w daylight savings and the universe cancels it out

   Washington DC didn't ban a nativity scene this Christmas. They just couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin anywhere in the city

   If it wasn't for my random sputterings insane ramblings and wild hallucinations I'd be as normal as you.

   wonders if "I Am" is the shortest sentence in the English language, does that make "I Do" the longest sentence?

   To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

   Sorry To Hear The Size Of Your Snow Angel Made You Realize You Need To Go To The Gym.

   When the doctor says "drop your pants" I can never resist the urge to say "ooooohhh....Kinkeh!"

   I'm so old that I remember when Entertainers actually performed at a Presidential Inauguration without receiving death threats!

   It turns out Liberals are "Latinophobes" .... You ever notice how they always say they are moving to Canada if Trump gets elected? Why don't they ever say they're moving to Mexico? Yup ... Latinophobes!!!

   My left buttcheek fell asleep. I'm Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.....

   I'm glad I've got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me

   Kim and Kanye get married. Who cares? Ain't nobody got time for that....

   I tried to bring sexy back,,, but they said it wasn't in it's "original" condition

   What's a pirate's fave letter of the alphabet? Trick question. They are illiterate savages whose purposes are ill-served by the written word

   If Charles Manson can get married in prison I should at least be allowed to text at red lights