Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Santa I've been good all year! Ok most of the time. I Mean once in a while. Oh...F*ck it, I'll buy my own sh#t.......

   Why are we still testing on animals when there are pedophiles in prison?

   Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road, I'm gonna leave and come back dressed as Santa with a sign that says "Help, need ride!"

   i hate when girls on tinder say "not looking for hook ups just friendships!" yeah and I'm on pornhub to see if the plumber is gonna fix the sink

   Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2's?

   Remember when you'd be driving along and see a smashed cassette tape by the side of the road with the tape stretched out forever, flying on the breeze of every passing car? I miss those days.

   How is illegal to talk on phone while driving in new york but its legal for the guy from cash cab to host a television show while driving?

   I'd like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."

   I hope the Olympics has taught kids and parents that in real life you do not get a trophy just for participating.

   Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.

   **TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.

   To the high school counselor who told me I'd never amount to anything: spot on, dude. You, sir, are a psychic.

   Now that everyone has cameras you'd think there would be more pictures of UFOs, Bigfoots, ghosts, etc.

   there needs to be a new traffic light color. something like blue that means 'hey idiot, stop texting the lights about to turn Green'

   Eating Breakfast, drinking coffee, catching up on Facebook and listening to music. It's impressive to be this busy and still get nothing done.

   just realized that Superman was an illegal immigrant

   Joan rivers was reportedly very angry the other day because she was prevented from entering the country by airline security. Man, you should have seen the face she wanted to make.

   In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

   There are few things in life more relieving than having a cop turn off the road after following you for an extended period of time.

   I see your swag and I raise you a high school education.