Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Geeesh,,Nobody seems to care about all the times I DIDN'T drop the baby.

   The crowd is huge at this year's Wrestlemania! But America's obesity problem is nothing to joke about.

   Oh, you hate drama? Please continue to dramatically complain about it.

   The Day-After-Easter Candy Sale at Walmart looked more like a fight-to-the-death battle royal between pajama-wearing homeless people.

   Love is just a chapter in a guy`s life.. But to girls ? It's the whole book.

   If I wave at you, you better wave back and not make me look stupid!

   Always remember: Sometimes you can make people UNHAPPY with your HAPPINESS.

   ‎11/11/11....my calendar is speaking to me in binary

   My eBay purchasing history can confirm that I'm an alcoholic.

   Talk is cheap... Thats why everyone can afford to talk so much sh!t!

   I'm starting to think it's probably not that hard out there for a pimp.

   There should be some sort of device that instantly makes my bed less comfortable when my alarm goes off in the morning.

   today I was awoken at 3am by my child laughing hysterically in his sleep. All I could think of is "man I really wish I didn't watch so many horror movies cause I'm creeped out!"

   Fact: Guys don't like it when you compliment them on their gay apparel.

   If you let the bad things stop you, you'll never get to the good things.

   When I was a kid, I remember trying to stay up all night until the sun came up was such a challenge and so cool. Now its almost a ritual and dreaded.

   Okay, Bee Gees, I'll bite. What qualifies as "more than a woman"?

   Auditions are being held for you to be yourself. Apply within.

   Maybe it's the beer talking but I really love beer.

   Grandma just answered the TV remote when the phone rang...the only weird part is she had a ten minute conversation.