Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   lookin at the cost of medical insureance is making me sick in itself...

   FACT: Arguing with women is like getting arrested, anything you say can and will be used against you.

   I only have affairs with Librarians. They know how to keep things quiet

   Of course I wanna go to my high school reunion! There's nothing I'd rather do than waste hundreds of dollars and precious vacation days, just to hang with a bunch of people I couldn't stand. And still can't.

   Sometimes it's too hard to hate everyone all at once, so I hate people in shifts.

   Telling someone they "look tired" is the best way to insult someone under the guise of "caring."

   A PIRATE'S TOAST: May your anchor be tight, your cork be loose, your rum be spiced, and your compass be true.

   Class reunions are pointless now. Because of Facebook I see all you f*ckers everyday.

   Geeesh,,Nobody seems to care about all the times I DIDN'T drop the baby.

   The crowd is huge at this year's Wrestlemania! But America's obesity problem is nothing to joke about.

   Oh, you hate drama? Please continue to dramatically complain about it.

   The Day-After-Easter Candy Sale at Walmart looked more like a fight-to-the-death battle royal between pajama-wearing homeless people.

   Love is just a chapter in a guy`s life.. But to girls ? It's the whole book.

   If I wave at you, you better wave back and not make me look stupid!

   Always remember: Sometimes you can make people UNHAPPY with your HAPPINESS.

   ‎11/11/11....my calendar is speaking to me in binary

   My eBay purchasing history can confirm that I'm an alcoholic.

   Talk is cheap... Thats why everyone can afford to talk so much sh!t!

   I'm starting to think it's probably not that hard out there for a pimp.

   There should be some sort of device that instantly makes my bed less comfortable when my alarm goes off in the morning.