Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I'm approaching my "best if used by" date.

   This Unicorn soup is freaking delicious! ~~ Noah, probably

   Afraid of dying alone? Become a bus driver.

   Dear people posting pics of things they got for Valentine's Day: Please stop it! Spare us the cheesiness and keep that sh!t to yourself. Sincerely, Single People

   Too late to hunt buffalo, too early to fight robots, what a d!ckless generation I was born into.

   With all the spam we get for p*nis enlargement pills, you'd think by now someone would have invented a pill to shrink v*ginas instead.

   When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That'd be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.

   An ex should stay an EX. They`re an EXample of the wrong love & an EXplanation for why you deserve better!

   My co-worker seems to think I need anger management classes... I don't know I think he just needs shut the f*ck up classes.

   I feel a little better when I remember that Lady Gaga is just as scared of us, as we are of it.

   Word of Advice: No matter what city you live in, no matter where you travel, there will always be douche bags there.

   Give a man a fish,, and with MY LUCK,, he'll heat it up in our office microwave.

   Time I spend listening to music - 54 seconds. Time I spend untangling headphones - 17 minutes

   Hey, dude who's still lighting fireworks at midnight, nobody would notice a couple of gunshots right now.

   Never trust a straight guy who can wrap a present.

   There are worse things than being far away from the one you love, like sleeping next to someone you don't.

   Remember - its not how you pick the boogers, its where you put them that matters.

   My house is so messy, I swear when I walk through the front door I hear the "Sandford and Son" theme song playing.

   Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?

   ‎96% percent of cross-eyed teachers have difficulty controlling their pupils.