Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I play Tetris. So yeah, I'm a problem solver.

   Breaking: Kiss renames their hit song to "Detroit Broke City'.

   Broke up with Taylor Swift. Her new song “No I Won’t Do Buttstuff With You and Your Stuffed Penguin” is NOT about me. Repeat, NOT about me.

   The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?

   So you go to college to get a job so you can have a job to pay for college. Then you spend all your time at work and end up with no time to live the life you're working for....Ok...interesting plan.

   it just me or does anybody else miss the days when music on the radio sounded good, made sense, and actually required talent to make?????

   I think I'm approaching my "best if used by" date.

   This Unicorn soup is freaking delicious! ~~ Noah, probably

   Afraid of dying alone? Become a bus driver.

   Dear people posting pics of things they got for Valentine's Day: Please stop it! Spare us the cheesiness and keep that sh!t to yourself. Sincerely, Single People

   Too late to hunt buffalo, too early to fight robots, what a d!ckless generation I was born into.

   Don't feel to high & mighty about yourself sweetheart, cause at the end of the day, your still like a penny ` two faced & worthless.

   That Sinking Feeling: Facebook has worked very hard at making its new Timeline Profiles look like MySpace.

   They say the key to a woman's heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time. I call "BS". Apparently it's not romantic to give a woman a see-thru nighty during confirmation.

   Wait a minute. I'm supposed to believe God is on the side of the quarterback NOT married to Gisele?

   Sign my online petition to stop online petitions.

   FACT: it panics the nurses when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor.

   Hey, dude who's still lighting fireworks at midnight, nobody would notice a couple of gunshots right now.

   Never trust a straight guy who can wrap a present.

   There are worse things than being far away from the one you love, like sleeping next to someone you don't.