Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm black... but not "really good at basketball black."

   My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension. She said she just couldn't take it any longer.

   Women....why does your purse need a seat of it's own?

   I don't care much for tattoos. I prefer to ruin my body the old fashioned way. By weighing 400 lbs. and getting stretch marks that resemble tire tracks.

   I'd trade 75% of my friends for a box of Oreos.

   Tonight a human sized rabbit will be walking around your house while you sleep and will be leaving your kids candy......nothing creepy about that.

   I feel like homeless people were once kids who decided to build a blanket fort but then just kinda stayed there

   Thursday: Friday's younger, yet equally attractive sister

   I have not seen a Hummer on the road in months. Is there some sort of magical Dbag Island that they all went to?

   <---just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box!!

   A lot of folks are going to be upset that the Zimmerman jury didn't come to a verdict tonight. A prime weekend looting night, down the drain..

   Don't try to understand women. Women understand women and they hate each other.

   The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...

   I like to keep my enemies at bay. Guantanamo to be exact.

   just found out the difference between kinky and erotic..erotic was the use of the feather..kinky was the whole damn chicken

   How many of the Lost cast does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but it will take 20 episodes.

   Wearing crocs is like getting blown by a dude. Feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

   According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it's hard to steal a car when the owner's living in it...

   When the story first broke…and the police said they couldn't figure out where Tiger was going at 2:30 Friday morning…was I the only one thinking, ‘Hello!?!?! Walmart!!!'

   Friends will lend you their umbrella; Best friends will run away with it and yell "Run little Retard, Run!!"