Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   3 Things Every New Nurse should know: 1) never get "eye level' to measure a sore on someone's bottom. 2) Yawning during tracheotomy care is BAD 3) Always smell an Apple Juice in the Nurses fridge before drinking or serving.

   Almost choked to death on some broccoli but no way, I ain't going out like that.

   only eats chocolate covered caramel because that's how I Rolo™

   Can someone text me a donut?

   My wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst... so I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

   a recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

   If you think what I just said was offensive, you don't want to hear the things that I stopped myself from saying.

   I got some new underwear the other day. Well.... new to me

   “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to His buddy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat.” happy St Patricks day!!

   For fun, I like to tase people at renissance fairs, it makes me feel like an evil wizard.

   Today I'm going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.

   soo upset that I mixed up my voodoo dolls. If you feel any sharp, stabbing pains, please call me and describe the location. Thanks

   The next person who says its not the heat, it's the humidity will learn its not my fist, it's the impact.

   just here to establish my alibi.

   We all have that friend that acts innocent, but is very naughty

   What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life And you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.

   During sex my wife likes to talk to me. The other night she called me from a hotel.

   [Dear Teen/Young Adult/Rapper Who Sags Their Pants]: Do you even know the origin of that fashion statement?

   I like a girl who is not ashamed to have her crotch sniffed by my dog.

   Dear sweatpants and hoodies: thanks for being there for me. Sincerely, sexy and I know it, but too lazy to show it!!