Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you think what I just said was offensive, you don't want to hear the things that I stopped myself from saying.

   I got some new underwear the other day. Well.... new to me

   “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to His buddy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat.” happy St Patricks day!!

   For fun, I like to tase people at renissance fairs, it makes me feel like an evil wizard.

   Today I'm going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.

   soo upset that I mixed up my voodoo dolls. If you feel any sharp, stabbing pains, please call me and describe the location. Thanks

   The next person who says its not the heat, it's the humidity will learn its not my fist, it's the impact.

   During sex my wife likes to talk to me. The other night she called me from a hotel.

   [Dear Teen/Young Adult/Rapper Who Sags Their Pants]: Do you even know the origin of that fashion statement?

   What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life And you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.

   364 shopping days left

   Must be confusing for Sean Connery's grandchildren when he asks them to "Come sh!t on my lap."

   "Drunk Posting" is worse than "Drunk Texting", because instead of one person thinking you're an idiot, EVERYONE does!

   MTV has proven that the recent rise in teenage pregnancy has reallyyyyy changed the definition of a MILF

   Follow your dreams............ Unless you're a killer.

   I like a girl who is not ashamed to have her crotch sniffed by my dog.

   Dear sweatpants and hoodies: thanks for being there for me. Sincerely, sexy and I know it, but too lazy to show it!!

   I watched my first anal porn scene the other day... Wow, I just can't get over how skinny I looked back then !!

   "Half a dozen" -Because "six" is way too long.

   just here to establish my alibi.