Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "You don't marry the person you can live with...You Marry the person You cant live without!"

   This white girl took me home last night. She wanted me to prove to her what they say about black guys is true....so I stabbed her and took her purse.

   Bella: I know what you are. Edward: Say it Bella.Say it out loud. Bella: GAYYYYYYYY.

   This Christmas I'm gonna party like it's $19.99.....

   Congrats you survived pandemic by getting your shots so your reward is World War III

   s Akon 2006 "I wanna f**k you" .. Akon 2008 " I wanna make love right now na na na" .. Akon 2010 "I just had sex!" .. poor guy waited 4 years!

   feels like something funny is gonna happen...I'm sitting next to a blackman, whiteman and a chineseman. I'm just waiting on the punchline!

   If you watch cinderella backwards its about a woman getting put in her place.

   Call a Random Phone Number and say "They didn't make the drop Kill him" them hang up. Project Mayhem.

   My EX sent me a text today saying "Happy Anniversary" I replied, best one yet.

   I just watched a dude squeeze a lime into his beer, but I'm afraid if I say anything he'll hit me with his purse.

   I overhead my neighbor on the phone telling someone I was creepy and weird. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under her bed to confront her!

   Women complain that they should be treated more equally. OK fine. Next time a ship sinks in the ocean, you ladies don't get to get off first.

   Just beat a mime to death with my air guitar.

   I'm for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats my wife is worth.

   Hug a tree. Then rub your hands along it's trunk and tell it how knotty it is.

   Just heard a story that teens are soaking tampons in alcohol to prevent parents from smelling it on their breath. Did they quit selling gum?

   I hate when people win the lottery and insist that money won't change them, but then refuse to ever eat cat food again.

   My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It's one part rum, three parts pum.

   No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.