Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you think weakness can be turned into strength, I hate to tell you this buddy; but that is another weakness.

   Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

   It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere

   Watching NASA TV and the launch prep for STS-120 ... and I am somehow jealous that they get to leave the Earth.

   When you see cupid,b!tch slap the little punk 4 me will ya!!!!!

   Dishes done....check.....laundry folded....check.....kids in bed.....check. And my wife says I am emasculated! Maybe I should look it up in the dictionary to see what it really means....

   optimist drowns in half full tub

   When I open my eyes every morning I pray to God that everyone should have a friend like you.... Why should only I suffer!!!

   I'm just not that into you.....when I'm sober.

   once blinded someone with science, which, unfortunately, turned out to be an A-class felony.

   When is the excessive use of the word 'swagg' going to die already. Getting tired of hearing it in every rap song. Bad enough people don't even know the true meaning of it.

   Feds are indicting Clemens for perjury, said they knew he was on steriods when they saw his nose grow

   Did a Facebook search for childhood friends. Found out they're still people but DID NOT ADD THEM. That's how you use Facebook. For stalking.

   will never understand rich people with messed up teeth.

   just b/c a hoe is throwin it at you don't mean you gotta take it. its like boxing, you don't take every punch thrown, dodge that b1tch.

   That O-line gives up more sacks than Jenna Jameson takes in the chin.

   Listen, I didn't come to the dog park to "connect with other dog owners." I came here so my dog can take a dump as much as he pleases, and I don't have to clean up after him because no one can prove it was him.

   likes "Mad Libs" because it is (adjective).

   OMG!! I Just failed my theory test. Apparently female drivers aren't a hazard.

   The grass may look greener . . . but it's Astroturf.