Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   optimist drowns in half full tub

   When I open my eyes every morning I pray to God that everyone should have a friend like you.... Why should only I suffer!!!

   Starting my new excercise routine- I am tired of looking like I have two sets of breasts.

   if you think weakness can be turned into strength, I hate to tell you this buddy; but that is another weakness.

   Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

   It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere

   Watching NASA TV and the launch prep for STS-120 ... and I am somehow jealous that they get to leave the Earth.

   When you see cupid,b!tch slap the little punk 4 me will ya!!!!!

   just b/c a hoe is throwin it at you don't mean you gotta take it. its like boxing, you don't take every punch thrown, dodge that b1tch.

   That O-line gives up more sacks than Jenna Jameson takes in the chin.

   Listen, I didn't come to the dog park to "connect with other dog owners." I came here so my dog can take a dump as much as he pleases, and I don't have to clean up after him because no one can prove it was him.

   likes "Mad Libs" because it is (adjective).

   OMG!! I Just failed my theory test. Apparently female drivers aren't a hazard.

   The grass may look greener . . . but it's Astroturf.

   Everybody has a box somewhere with some weird sh*t in it.

   The cool little wooshy thing the cards do at the end always makes the hours I spend trying to win Solitare on the computer well worth it.

   The police should make criminals open Facebook accounts. It seems the easiest way to get a confession out of them without any interrogation.

   Fact: zoning out is your brain's way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”

   Kiss me ~ it's midnight somewhere.

   Beers should come with a "May reverse bros before hoes" warning.