Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.

   You Know You High if you use the flashlight on your phone, to try and find your phone.

   Some people just need to change their status updates to, “Needs attention.”

   If you're happy with any of these buffoons running for President you probably shouldn't be allowed to vote.

   I may be mean but at least I use my fcuking blinker.

   RIP: The artist formerly known as Alive.

   just hoping Jerry Sandusky had another bad day in prison at the hands of Bubba.

   a wise man knows the rules but a wiser man knows the exceptions.

   I'm home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl's buying another load of laundry.

   When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook for me just to freak people out. Things like, "Hey, who knew they had a Chipotle up here?"

   Diamonds are not a girls best friend, it's anything that vibrates.

   If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.

   has the NYPD found the "Vandals" that took the American flags off the Brooklyn Bridge and replaced them with French flags yet?

   COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"... ME: "So it wouldn't be as windy and easier to hear when we talked?."

   From 8am until 11:59 a.m,,,, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch

   If you really want to get under someone's skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.

   I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!

   Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.

   When you realize winter is still 5 week away!

   I hope the next iPhone has a stronger Vibrator.