Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a wise man knows the rules but a wiser man knows the exceptions.

   I'm home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl's buying another load of laundry.

   When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook for me just to freak people out. Things like, "Hey, who knew they had a Chipotle up here?"

   Diamonds are not a girls best friend, it's anything that vibrates.

   If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.

   has the NYPD found the "Vandals" that took the American flags off the Brooklyn Bridge and replaced them with French flags yet?

   COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"... ME: "So it wouldn't be as windy and easier to hear when we talked?."

   From 8am until 11:59 a.m,,,, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch

   If you really want to get under someone's skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.

   I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!

   Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.

   When you realize winter is still 5 week away!

   I hope the next iPhone has a stronger Vibrator.

   Today is one of those days where I wonder where it all went wrong. Then I realize it's never been right.

   Spring-load me into my coffin. If grave robbers want my gold they have to climb the tree I land in.

   Bieber's arrest doesn't give him street cred, it actually just raises the street cred bar a little higher...

   Day 88: I am thankful for my joke site. Without it I wouldn't be nearly as amusing on Facebook.

   Don't want to say I had a crazy year but Rob Zombie is asking for the rights to direct my Facebook movie.

   My ex girlfriend's facebook movie is already in the buy one get one free bin at the adult movie store.

   There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don't know.