Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't wear a watch. I DECIDE what time it is.

   My "look like I'm paying attention" face is oddly similar to my "I wonder what I'm gonna have for dinner" face.

   Never fight anyone who bows to you first.

   If I ever get rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

   You ever check your weight before and after you sh!t? I tried it and I gained weight. I think I did something seriously wrong.

   The 5 biggest lies ever told: "I'm fine","Seriously, I don't like anyone", "I swear that was my last piece of gum","I have read and agree to the Terms & Conditions", and "I left my homework at home, I swear I did it!"

   Never chase anyone. A person who really appreciates you will always walk with you.

   Facebook should have a way to tell you who un-friended you... Not that I care really, it's their loss, Just to know to who to deny when they try to friend you again...

   Midget: *walks into library* exuse me,do you have any books on irony? librarian: its on the top shelf!.....

   Went to see a fortune teller earlier, as she gazed into the crystal ball she said "You'll never have any more children." ...Then the f*cking thing rolled off the table and crushed my balls!

   I just noticed that giving the Kirby vacuum salesman a pot brownie made the price of the unit much more negotiable! ツ

   No one calls you at 3am "Just to talk"

   What the hell do Facebook employees do when they're bored at work? ~phoenix1029

   Be good to yourself because the longest relationship you will ever have in life is with yourself.

   Just told my Secret Santa I murdered a plumber in Vermont in 1995 or is that not how it works?

   I'm just your typical stay-at-home dad. Except I don't do housework or have a wife or any kids.

   Hey big girls: One size fits all on lingerie is just a misleading marketing ploy. Now they got you looking like a trapped seal in a fishnet.

   Everything is so much funnier when you're not allowed to laugh

   Dear Girls, when a boy pauses his video game to text you.. Marry him.

   I don't know why I should learn Algebra. I'm never likely to go there.