Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you're looking for an ambitious girlfriend, I'd like you to know that I love being on top.

   not afraid of heights - but afraid of widths.

   Go to Google, type in Atari Breakout and click search, then images! You're welcome...

   asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

   Turns out Tiger was getting more 'tang than a thirsty astronaut.

   Type 2204355 and hit I'm feeling lucky in google... worth it

   I did what everyone did and changed my profile picture to my fave cartoon character and now am wondering, how on earth will this help me get laid?

   They should really replace, "I now pronounce you man and wife" with "FINISH HIM!!!" (mortal combat music blasting)

   now that the Chilean miners are out... any chance we can put the Jersey Shore cast in?

   An elephant to a naked man 'how do you breath through that thing'

   thanks dad for not pulling out.! Happy fathers day!!

   Gas prices are soaring and inflation around the corner, but thank God their are no offensive tweets.

   Never apologize for expressing how you feel, Its like saying you're sorry for being real

   I think your first love holds the biggest piece of your heart because they made the first cut.

   I wish my dog owned stuff so I could pee on it and ruin it to show him how it feels.

   You can lead a fool to wisdom, but you can't make him think.

   Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong. It just means that you value your relationships more than your ego

   Me seek revenge? Nah, I'm too lazy. I'm just gonna sit here and let karma get you.

   People think the pile of bodies outside my door is a Halloween decoration, it isn't. I've plugged the doorbell into the mains.

   I consider anyone who doesn't like bacon a terrorist.