Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What a day, I'm so tired already! I sent three faxes, answered the phone once, had lunch, made a paper airplane and sent 452 updates.

   Why doesn't facebook just change the Poke to what it really means. "Bend over, I'll drive."

   The rest of the world uses Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. I just learned some girl I hated in high school likes her new pedicure.

   I just seen someone dressed as the Statue of Liberty running down the road being chased by a Rottweiler..... Today is off to a great start!!!

   Don't waste your time on someone who isn't willing to waste their time on you.

   America: Where children are on leashes and pit bulls roam the streets

   How do you beat a country that will change it's liquor laws to allow bars to open so people can gather and watch gold medal games??? YOU DON'T!!!

   I hate when girls say, "you probably say that to every girl." don't you use the same resume when applying to different jobs?

   Be thankful your GPS doesn't get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”

   Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.

   Mothers: Please don't tell your little girls "He's only mean because he likes you" and then wonder why they grow up and marry A-holes.

   It's amazing how many pedestrians confuse right-of-way with immortality.

   Give me a 12 pack... My final thought before making a decision!

   Why aren't we letting blind people think that dragons are real?

   The one where Scooby doo dies in the van because Fred forgot to crack a window.

   Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it's an intervention.

   What happened o the NFL? It used to be the greatest game. Now every receiver that goes out for a pass and is breathed on starts waving his hands for a flag like a big cry baby....this game is falling apart just like this country

   I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, “At least they picked me”

   Don't mix V iagra with Iron Supplements. It will cause you to spin around and point north.

   I guess Black Friday started early in Ferguson