Funny Status Messages
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Sometimes I can't remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines...I totally get it. 
And in the news today, Justin Bieber has yet to be shot in a drive by. . .
2011....Who's ready for another lap around the Sun?
has invented a time machine! Unfortunatly, it can only go about one minute into the future. Coincidentally, it takes one minute for it to work........wait a minute(looks around warily)
Forget the "Dislike" button....can we get a "Don't Give a F*ck" button ?
Mother rabbit to baby bunny: "A magician pulled you out of a hat. Now stop asking questions."
"Kissing is like real estate. The mst important thing is location, location, location." :P
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
would never say this of myself, but my friends tell me that my milkshake is particularly adept at bringing gentlemen callers to the estate.
why is it that when you go to McDonald's they ask “Would you like any sauce for your chicken nuggets?”, but all along they know they are never going to give it to you, shady b*stards!
Dear Santa, every year you bring me coal. Could you bring me a BBQ pit so I can use them this year? Thank you in advance.
BREAKING NEWS: Suresh Kalmadi (India CWG Head) just tried to hang himself ...But the ceiling collapsed... ;)
Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
hey YOU...I'm Sorry, did my back hurt your knife?
I can't wait till my son is old enough for me to hide a dirty magazine under his mattress for his mom to find.
Alls I'm sayin is
the Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago
- and they still don't have any Mexicans.
It was probably an Islamic alligator.
If the B in LGTB stands for Bi doesn't that mean there are only two genders?
watched one minute of pro wrestling and realized I'm not such an idiot after all...
Happy Mothers Day to all the wonderful MILFs out there! 