Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I like to stare at people. If they try to leave I put one finger on my ear and say The Buffalo is roaming. I repeat The Buffalo is roaming. 
Lazy Rule #33: If ice falls, kick it under the fridge.
When I see a guy standing alone in front of a movie theater, I just want to go up to him and say "She told me to tell you she's not coming."
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup,,, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever.
If I stop my car for you to walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knee's to chest b!tch , knee's to chest!!!
I asked my mom one time why I was white and she was black. She said, " the way I remember the party you're lucky you don't bark."
Women who build walls around yourselves, please consider putting in a gloryhole.
I always wondered if songbirds get mad at hummingbirds for not knowing the lyrics...
A Smart woman does not make babies with boyfriends.
____&_____ <----- This totally looks like a person scooting there as$ on the floor..lol
Wow, it's beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn't a glare on my screen.
Cinco de Mayo. I don't see what the big deal is. The Mexicans were victorious over the French.........who can't beat the French
I hate it when you are looking for something and you realize that it is in your hand.
Restraining orders: Just another way to say I LOVE YOUUU...
doesn't believe in superstitions....it's bad luck!!
Your intelligence is my common sense.
I realized 3 VERY deep things today: 1) It's impossible to lick your elbow, 2) No matter how hard you pinch the skin on your elbow, you can't feel it, and 3) You're actually going to try #1and #2!
I'm not a doctor, but I play one in the emergency room until security shows
Sign in Bar: "Low-cut blouses are looked down upon in this establishment."
Octomom "I can't rule out having one more baby." Really? You know what I can definitely rule out? You having even one brain cell left. 