Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)

   WOW, I had no Idea there were so many temper tantrum prone clueless spoiled little brats in America.

   I heard that Rosie O'Donnell saw her shadow today. I guess that means 7 more years of Trump.

   a ►er!

   She came to me one night. Explored my body, licked, sucked, swallowed! When satisfied, she damn left & I was hurt!!... stupid mosquito!

   The BP spill is now officially the worst spill in history.. surpassing Monica Lewinsky's dress.

   Wishing I was still in Grade School:( Miss taking naps in the middle of the day, snack time and recess. The part I miss the most is when you were bad, that hot middle aged Teacher spanked you with her wooden paddle.

   Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.

   This CNN coverage of a missing plane is the longest episode of Gilligan's Island I've ever watched.

   Lately, to be a true rebel,,,, you have to have zero tattoos.

   So, after 40 years of marriage will g@y guys start referring to their spouses as "The Old Balls and Chain?"

   If you friendzone me, help me bang your other friends then. Bestie

   Just saw someone in Wall mart with a Bluetooth, it was his only tooth

   I can only assume the next 4 weeks are incredibly difficult for people who's grandmother's were actually run over by reindeer. ..

   A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.

   My girlfriend claims I try to make everything into a 'quiz'. Is that: a) weird, b) annoying, or c) unfair

   You seem unstable, wanna get an apartment together?

   The Greatest Generation stormed Normandy so that today, we could storm Target.

   Show me on the back of your mini van window where your life went wrong.

   My password is SupermanHulkThor, its the strongest password I can think of.