Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't you hate when you meet someone attractive as hell with the personality of a wall? -.-

   Never trust a man who takes selfies

   I went into Home Depot and asked one of the associates if he thought that these pruning shears would cut through bone. You should have seen the look on his face.

   Did you know that if you decapitate a vegan they can continue to talk about being a vegan for another 10 minutes?

   I hope someone will document at least one girl's evolution from "Toddlers & Tiaras" to "Teen Mom" to "Intervention" to "Hoarders."

   How come I can buy a bottle of Starbucks at 7-11 for $1.79 but a cup of coffee at their store cost $5??

   Slow drivers need to get out of the fast lane. Some of us are in a hurry to get home to be ignored by our wives.

   Actually Ke$ha, I think the rest of us don't want to die young. But you should definitely go ahead without us.

   I can't decide who deserves the death sentence more, a serial killer or a person who calls you when you text them.

   Volcanoes. ........earths pimples

   Daylight Savings Time means I’ll be hungover one hour less than usual this Sunday.

   When I’m about to die and my life flashes before my eyes I’m worried that a lot of it will just be Facebook and TV.

   I hate when a rap song comes on and I'm white.

   It should be a rule that if you dress up like a sea captain, you get a free dinner at Red Lobster. I'll pay this time, but I'm not happy.

   All we are saying, is give PEEPS a chance.

   During the opening Olympic ceramony I thought the Chinese uniforms looked pretty good!....And the ones worn by the Chinese team weren't too bad either!!!

   its no longer the little birdy that told you something. now days its "i seen it on facebook."

   Your worst enemy lives in your head.

   nothing makes me forget something faster than your reminder.

   Reading some of the crap on Facebook makes me want to go watch an R rated movie just because I know whiny children won't be there.