Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know who was hurt the most in this whole ordeal by name association alone... the residents of Sandusky, Ohio... And the American workers at Callahan Auto... they make the best parts money can buy...

   I'm sorry, I couldn't understand a single word that was coming out of your boobs.

   I proposed my girl today. Apparently "Do you want to be the one who makes sandwiches for me for the rest of my life" isn't the way to do it.

   I like to fart while am changing gears

   Your Ex ALWAYS seems to pop back up as soon as you forget about them.

   The person who came up with the word "lisp" wath a real athhole

   Even if women came with directions, you still wouldn't read them.

   Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I'm not reading it.

   DEAR FACEBOOK I understand the need to change w/ the times but too much too fast. if you keep myspace-ing we are all gonna google the hell out of here.

   It sucks when the ugly friend is the only one that is interested in you.

   WELL THE YARD SALE WENT WELL ......$27,000 DOLLARS .......WE WILL BE OFF TO MIAMI FOR A FEW DAYS .....I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE HERE WHEN THE NEIGHBORS NOTCE THEIR BARBEQUE GRILLS, PATIO FURNITURE AND POTTED PLANTS ARE MISSING ..... TA TA !!!!!

   You know you got it bad when you steal WiFi from a church.

   Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.

   I get re-pissed about an old situation whenever I have a flashback about it.

   sometimes watch birds and wonder “If I could fly who would I sh*t on?”

   Old: Can I buy you a drink? New : I'll give you fourteen dollars for your phone number.

   The only time I have a drinking problem is when I have to close my tab at the end of the night.

   I only "chase" women from the couch to the bedroom.

   I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn't reach very far.

   The more you learn, the more you know. The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So...why learn?