Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A wise man once said nothing. He let her vent, and then they had sex.

   Chickens can actually fly but have a fear of heights hence the name "chicken"

   After a certain point, the 'F' on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.

   At least give Mitch Hedberg credit, HYJ.

   My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.

   So Blue Ivy got the stripper name, and North West got the direction to the strip club? Nice, team work.

   Finally happened...knew it was coming....my beeper broke. Anyone know where to get a good deal on a new one?

   If women don't fool around, and men do fool around, who are the men fooling around with?

   You complement someone on her sexy adams apple and suddenly you are deleted and blocked.

   Sean Connery's dog must get so confused when he yells for it to sit.

   thinking the Vatican blew their chance at making an epic Harlem Shuffle video

   I'm re-enacting Titanic today, I'm at the part where Jack is in his underwear on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

   Facebook: Making relationship's look better then they actually are since 2005

   People who text back instantly. Keep it up, I like that shi t.

   "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends".... if only all girls thought like the spice girls

   - True fact about my friends: Friends are like boobs. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real and some are fake.

   "Strike while the iron is hot" is pretty violent advice, but I guess if I'm hitting someone with an iron it might as well be hot.

   Buddy of mine said, “you need to take the bull by the horns”….I told him that he should go first, and after they put the bull down for mauling him, I'd just take him with steak sauce….smarter not harder folks….

   Mubarak to remain in office: " I will step down when the Cleaveland Cavaliers win a game"

   Some things should not be abbreviated like Save The Dates (STD) or Future Mother in Law (FML)