Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Grumpy old man: "You need to pick up after your dog." Me: "It's pee! If you want to grab a straw and suck it up, be my guest."

   I plead contemporary insanity.

   I feel a sin comin on....

   I like my ice at room temperature.

   I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I'd have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.

   I may not be an organ donor, but I owe it to mankind to donate my humor to science!

   What's another word for synonym?

   With the 50 new profile choices for gender identity on Facebook, why can't I select "straight male"?

   Keep calm and massively overuse a slogan

   I paid 4 the lady in front of me at Starbucks. She hugged me. Deciding when it's the right time 2 tell her I hit her car in the parking lot.

   Starbucks will provide free college education to thousands of employees. Unfortunately the diplomas will have their names misspelled.

   can someone please tell Kim Jong-Un that Seth Rogen is Canadian

   Ladies always think I'm staring at them because I think they're hot. That's not true. I'm staring at them because I'm creepy.

   Ok, I'm finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

   My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.

   I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.

   Three words to ruin a woman's ego. "I can't tell."

   OK. The US is sending troops to West Africa to fight Ebola and humanitarian aid to the Middle East to fight ISIS. How the hell did we ever win two World Wars?

   In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree

   So... Stub Hub isn't a dating site for quadriplegics? Mind blown!