Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was your age, I had to download porn on a dial up connection.

   Love means never having to say anything because you're both looking at your smart phones.

   Shower = 2% Wash Body | 3% Wash Hair | 95% Contemplate Life.

   I'm pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.

   Last time I was upset, my dog brought me all of his toys and laid on my head.

   I think Words with Friends... should really be called... Scrabble with Cheaters!

   HA! If you think I'M crazy you should meet ME!

   Miracles do happen even on Facebook and Twitter. Come Sunday and suddenly everyone becomes a preacher.

   I'm the kind of guy who tells an angry albino to lighten up

   If Apple had a nickle for every time an iPhone dropped it's connection they'd be one of the richest companies in the.......... Oh.

   I know dream catchers don't work,, because I've never seen one in a car worth more than three thousand dollars.

   I'm not sure about you guys, but I'm pretty sure if she can sell seashells by the sea shore, she also has pretty big boobs.

   When you grow up you get better gifts for being naughty.

   so what are you going to be for halloween? well, I was thinking about being, well, intoxicated

   Someone ask me what I was gonna be for Halloween, I said sober. No one will no its me..

   Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

   happy to learn what bra color all my female friends are wearing today! I don't belive any of you...send pics just so I know your not lying to me....

   Hangover in progress.....please donot disturb

   A smile is like tight underwear ... it makes your cheeks go up

   Paris Hilton arrested for Cocaine possession.In other shocking news - Earth is still round, & the sky is still blue.