Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are only a few people I can say “You're one of the few friends I enjoy being with more in person than on Facebook.

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage lightbulbs

   I sure do feel a hell of alot more attractive at walmart than I do at the gym...

   Everybody secretly hates that couple who plans their wedding on holiday weekends.

   I guess you cant turn a ho with a sex tape into a housewife.

   I think I'm gonna like "The Lorax" because it's the only movie that I can say... "I already read the book"

   Dear IRS, Please cancel my subscription.

   Nobody ever wants to give BiPolar people credit for being really great half the time.

   I've got some Spring in my step for an energetic foot up your ass! ~ Happy First Day of Spring!

   Even that crack on the wall becomes more interesting when you're meant to be studying.

   I did 10 one arm push-ups this morning, I was trying to get up off of the floor without putting down my beer.

   Ironically, after their one hit,,, Chumbawumba got knocked down and never got back up again.

   Adele: "I set fire to the rain!" Spongebob: "That's nothing... I make campfires underwater."

   I've always wondered why they say count to 10 when you're angry, in that 10 seconds, I could knock them out and be calm

   finally told Frasier what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs!

   I don't feel bad about online shopping at work. It's the only place where I can spend money WHILE I make it.

   I hate when people are trying to talk to me when I'm in the middle of doing something really important... like being awesome.

   Just remembering my Saturday morning ...a bowl of trix , watch Super friends and Hong Kong Fuey and then my bike ..OUTSIDE till lunch .. great times

   let's be real; Boris Kodjoe doesn't drive a Ford, Blake Griffin doesn't drive a Kia and J-Lo doesn't drive a Fiat. What is this? The "This is the car I would drive if I was broke" ad season?

   Sick of spilling alcohol on your clothes? Drink naked....you'll end up that way eventually