Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm writing this post from the Emergency Room, nothing to worry about. Just turns out my new Dyson Ball Cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

   When I meet people, I choose whether I like them solely based on if I think they would be fun to get drunk with.....

   "I'm shocked Anderson Cooper came out." said no one.

   There are only a few people I can say “You're one of the few friends I enjoy being with more in person than on Facebook.

   When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage lightbulbs

   I sure do feel a hell of alot more attractive at walmart than I do at the gym...

   Everybody secretly hates that couple who plans their wedding on holiday weekends.

   I guess you cant turn a ho with a sex tape into a housewife.

   Don't judge me unless you can show me your acceptance letter to heaven.

   Thank god Facebook is back up. I've had to phone 247 of my friends to tell them 'I hate work, I'm having a glass of water and going to bed, lol'. It's taken me all night!

   Knowing when to shut the hell up is a gift very few people are born with.

   The cleanliness of my house directly depends on my chances of getting laid that day.

   Omg I'm so hungry I could eat my ex wife's cooking while sitting at the table with my ex mother in law!

   If ignorance is bliss a lobotomy may be my only chance at happiness.

   Delta: Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive

   I haven't gained weight. I'm just retaining cookies.

   I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.

   Pretending that the laser pointer app on your phone tells you if your kid brushed his teeth good enough..priceless!

   let's be real; Boris Kodjoe doesn't drive a Ford, Blake Griffin doesn't drive a Kia and J-Lo doesn't drive a Fiat. What is this? The "This is the car I would drive if I was broke" ad season?

   Sick of spilling alcohol on your clothes? Drink naked....you'll end up that way eventually