Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Miami wins the series, do the Refs get a Ring too!!!

   I like to lay down after sex, stroking her hair and whispering into her ear. "Why are you still here?"

   Having to poop after a shower is basically your body's way of pranking you.

   Dear Santa, Don't listen to any of my Facebook friends. I have been a perfect angel, I swear.

   I just busted my Gold Fish smoking seaweed. No wonder he was always hungry and paranoid.

   A friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move the body.

   halfway through eating a horse and realized... I'm not as hungry as I thought

   Justin Bieber wins at the American Music Awards...reason enough to declare war on Canada

   I found a jacket that I wore in 2002 and found a Nokia 3220 in the pocket... It still has 2 bars left...

   When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn't because his heart is broken. It's because he can't cook.

   If a Prius hits a Vegan,,, do you even have to fill out a police report?

   I don't know why any sensible guy would even want a skinny chick. Clearly they're no good at making sandwiches.

   he original Nintendo is proof that better graphics doesn’t mean a better game.

   Wife: You left your Facebook account open and-- Me: *bites down on cyanide capsule*

   My girlfriend makes me wanna be a better boyfriend...so I can get a better girlfriend.

   Man I hate Taylor Swift..I mean don't you wanna put her over your knee and spank her azz,,,her tight, firm, round azz,,,and pull her hair,,,her soft, flowing beautiful hair,,,man I love Taylor Swift.

   What time do we take our kids door to door for presents?

   At church today we were asked to raise your hand if your a sinner! Girl raised both hands. I went to sit next to her.

   Now that Colorado has legalized marijuana it is only logical they change the Rocky Mountains to the Smokey Mountains

   so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.