Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just watched a clip of Jersey Shore... Now my eye's have chlamydia.

   They say revenge is a dish best served cold. But they also say revenge is sweet. I think they are trying to say revenge is ice cream.

   Meteorologists said that the sun's unusual solar flare activity would have no impact on us...yet I have experienced an unusually high number of erections today!......coincidence?...i think Not!!!!

   Success at age: 2- Not pissing your pants 12-13- Having friends 16-17-Having sex 20-35 Making money 40-50-Making money 60-65-Having sex 70-75- Having friends 80-100 Not pissing your pants

   I just finished reading "50 shades of Grey" by Sherwin Williams. I don't see what all the hype is about these paint broshures.

   Woke up with several traffic signs and safety cones in my bedroom... What did I do last night?

   GaGa and Bieber in Times Square!!! I guess all the good bands and singers had plans for tonight..

   Dear Toilet seat cover, when I'm done and start to get up, please let go of my ass cheek, Sincerely Every Man, Woman and child.

   My wife was shocked when she found out I switched her vibrator with a taser.

   None of this would've happened if Michael Brown was white because he would have been home studying...

   silly rabbit Easter is for Jesus.

   I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I'll get ripped in 15 minutes.

   thinks a clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

   Sometimes I feel like kicking you in the face ... but then again WHY should I help improve your looks?

   Husband-Y r there torn condoms lying on sofa? Wife-What? Where? Wife goes 2 find them & comes back angrily saying-Will you stop calling our children “Torn condoms”?

   Behind every woman there's a man trying to put it in her butt.

   eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How fcuking ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone??

   thinking God must love stupid people...he made so many!

   If Winnie the Pooh and his gang were a group of gangstas I think it would be safe to say that at one time or another Tigger would say something stupid and Pooh would respond with, "Tigga' Please!"

   How many blondes does it take to change a diaper? I don't f*ckin' know ask Hugh Hefner