Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my New Years Resolution is to meet the lady that is no longer getting sex from her husband.

   planning a night he can't remember!

   Damn, it's hotter than a spoon at Hunter Biden's house outside.

   Why should Libs be buried 100 feet deep? Because deep down, they're really good people.

   Jack and Jill went up the hill so he could lick her candy, but Jack got a shock and a mouth full of c0ck 'cause Jills real name is Randy

   Everyday I'm shoveling!

   That amazing moment when you smack the remote and it actually works!

   I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and sh*t myself.

   Life isn't about net worth. It's about self worth.

   Facebook stock continues to lose value, in fact it's so bad, hundreds of farmville farms are going into foreclosure.

   Trump: Making America "straight" again ?

   I just went outside and I'm completely swarmed by jobs. All over me. Can't get them off.......Help

   My name is Fred and I'm a survivor. If you are out there..if anyone is out there. I can provide food/shelter..Anybody please....U are not alone....

   Contrary to what you may think, my moral compass is not broken. It just happens to be pointing toward hell

   Please pray that Jamie Lee Curtis finally eats enough goddamn yogurt that she poops

   wondering why people think bartenders care about your misrable life. We dont! Now leave some cash and be on your way!

   To the advice of my lawyer, it's in my best intrest not to post a status tonight.

   Don't make the same typo I did in a text to my girlfriend: "Having a great time wish you were her."

   Milestone Alert: This is my 100th Post From a toilet....I'd like to thank the fine people from Mcdonalds for making this post possible!!!

   Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kid pointed to his crotch all day and said "woody!"