Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies: Anything is a d ildo if you're brave enough

   Johnny Manziel joins Cleveland Browns... is sacked three times trying to get off the stage....

   I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.

   I take great pride in the fact that I've never wasted time in playing stupid games like Candy Crush

   I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.

   Yesterday I went to see a shrink about my Facebook addiction, everything was going smoothly and I was on the road to recovery until he asked me, What's on your mind? Damn it

   Come to think of it,,, I've never found a hair in my food at a Brazilian restaurant.

   Friend: Do you want to go to a strip club? Me: Maybe. Do they have Wi-Fi?

   In America, we will eventually have a President that used to play Pokemon as a child. Scary.

   Of course I'm sorry about your problem. Just like the other 1,536 of your friends that keep reading about it. Trust me... we're ALL sorry for reading it!

   Suicide is only illegal because dead people can't pay taxes.

   I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I was sweating...

   People who don't like their beliefs being laughed at shouldn't have such funny beliefs.

   Shouldn't a "landing strip" actually be NO hair in the middle with hair to the sides?

   if I have to hear anymore about Twilight, I'm going to thrust a stake through my own heart...

   Just unlocked level 315 on not giving a f*ck.

   When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose. - Andy Rooney

   This cab driver is THE WORST. I keep telling him "You passed my house, let me out" & he's all like "Sir I'm a cop and your under arrest for public nudity and intoxication."

   Looks catches the eye's, personality seals the deal

   Dear Facebook... How can I be near the town I'm already in?!.....Near Stfu!