Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yesterday I went to see a shrink about my Facebook addiction, everything was going smoothly and I was on the road to recovery until he asked me, What's on your mind? Damn it

   Come to think of it,,, I've never found a hair in my food at a Brazilian restaurant.

   Friend: Do you want to go to a strip club? Me: Maybe. Do they have Wi-Fi?

   Suicide is only illegal because dead people can't pay taxes.

   if I have to hear anymore about Twilight, I'm going to thrust a stake through my own heart...

   Just unlocked level 315 on not giving a f*ck.

   Shouldn't a "landing strip" actually be NO hair in the middle with hair to the sides?

   Looks catches the eye's, personality seals the deal

   Dear Facebook... How can I be near the town I'm already in?!.....Near Stfu!

   Teacher: "I am beautiful, which tense is this?" Me: "Obviously the past...”

   Teacher: why are you late? Me: why does it matter? you still get paid, right?

   Just had honest talk with self. Not a bad fellow, knows a lot about me. Should consult him more often.

   In America, we will eventually have a President that used to play Pokemon as a child. Scary.

   Of course I'm sorry about your problem. Just like the other 1,536 of your friends that keep reading about it. Trust me... we're ALL sorry for reading it!

   When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember what I chose. - Andy Rooney

   This cab driver is THE WORST. I keep telling him "You passed my house, let me out" & he's all like "Sir I'm a cop and your under arrest for public nudity and intoxication."

   I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run, but I was sweating...

   People who don't like their beliefs being laughed at shouldn't have such funny beliefs.

   Just found a document that says all our restrictions have been lifted! It’s pretty old though, it’s dated 1776…

   BLM does realize there are Black Cops too ... Right?