Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   focus on living, dying is the easy part

   thinks if you have a chip on your shoulder, you're missing your mouth.

   Today, give a stranger one of your smiles. It might be the only sunshine he sees all day.

   the only person in history to beat my niece at Wii tennis! Yes, I made her play left-handed, but I don't think that should lessen the significance of my victory.

   all of a sudden everyone is a football expert

   The Christmas cheer has begun.... American Express commercials just announced if you use their card ...they'll donate ONE SHINY PENNY to charity...... is there any way to spend LESS,,,, nice JOB AMEX

   hates getting texts or calls on my iphone it interrupts my game, don't call me!

   How'd I sleep? Like a baby. Woke up every two hours and cried.

   currently starring in your "Live Feed" ... you may also remember her from past sites such as "News Feed" or your original "Home Page".

   It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two things still safe to eat.

   Women are strange...before marriage they expect a man,after marriage they suspect the man,and after he dies they respect the man!

   I thought of something today, I wont ever do that again, it hurt.

   I only drink to make other people seem interesting.

   2010 winner of the JD Power awards for Satisfaction and Stamina !

   beer may not be the answer but it helps you forget the question

   You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

   ..to me, a Super Bowl is one that's full of snacks that I don't have to share.

   thinks if Senator Jim Bunning wants to make a point to US, reduce the pensions, Soc.Sec. and lifelong health benefits for politicians!!

   would like the PETA people not to have a cow because some people like to eat a good steak.

   my shoes are muddy, my knees are scraped and I lost my hat...but it was the best time i've ever had