Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a woman ever asks you if you know what your problem is, don't answer. It'll only make it worse.

   Never sure if a girl is hot or just that her massive sunglasses are blocking her face.

   Of all the people I turn down for sex, I think my husband’s my favorite

   thinks "survival of the fittest is absolute BS!" Have you looked around lately?

   has been kidnapped by her bed, don't worry - should be able to break free in the morning ;)

   You never know what I have up my sleeve. Today, for instance, it was a goldfish cracker.

   I'm not shy -- I'm studying my prey.

   I ain't been around the world yet...... But I've been around the sun 24 times

   That's a nice suit. When did the clown die?

   Here is to another nite I'm not going to remember..

   how does one reconcile the statements "If at first you don't succeed, try try again" and "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results"?

   heard they are now powering street lamps with dog dung in Cambridge, Mass. If this is true, we should be able to plug the entire country's power grid into Capitol Hill and save a FORTUNE!

   was initially SHOCKED to here the statistic that "they" say 40% of fathers still pay for their daughter's whole wedding..........but then after some pondering I realized it's probably a small price to get additional women out of the house.......

   I hate to admit it but i'm in a really dark place right now... oh wait.... found the light switch... phew! never-mind :

   Sexy Mode [ON] OFF

   When I was young, we didn't have MTV. We had to take drugs and go to rock concerts.

   The purpose of fruit flies; to make people look insane, grabbing at the air like they are hallucinating.

   Gotta [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅] to make you Holler

   Ok, it's 2010...Where the hell is my jet pack?

   wondering if she should make an effort and pass her exams in case the world isnt ending in 2012