Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   figured out that bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

   Don't worry about it, the next man no matter how much he is smiling and acting like they got it together is struggling too! Keep fighting.

   "Like a good neighbor....State Farm is there......with a shovel....getting all this white crap outta my yard"

   Oprah's show on Veganism just inspired me to eat a Cheeseburger.

   A neurotic is a person who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the person who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the person who collects the rent.

   When I die, someone please change my status to: "He's DEAD, Jim"

   Nothing kills your weight loss success, like thinking you can wear spandex.

   I remember something traumatic from when I was two days old. The Doctor performing my circumcision looked at me, with knife in hand and said, "It won't be long now!"

   Don't take me for granted and break my heart, because unlike the others, I will kick your a$$.

   Apparently Anthony Weiner has too many photos of his junk to keep track of..

   Dont wear white shorts and a blue thong and get mad when our eyes lock...thats like sitting at a bar and getting mad when the bartender asks if you want a drink

   my new summer accesory is a fly swatter, not to use on flies but to actually pimp slap people who feel that its not necessary to use deodorant

   has become a master at using shake weights...I guess those trombone lessons paid off after all!

   doesn't think a remake of the Wizard of Oz would be good. If Dorothy were to encounter men with no brain, heart, or courage today she would be in congress.

   What the hell is this REstraining Order?!? I never even got a Straining Order? I'm gonna go over to her house and sort this out.

   My girlfriend always keep her boobs pressed against my face when she asks me for expensive things.She calls it the "Booby trap"

   On facebook* Hot person status: Just ate lunch. *86 likes 30 comments* .. Average persons status: *today is my birthday! *mom likes this

   You know you're getting old, when you pull a non-existent abdominal muscle playing Wii golf…

   Preferred sexual position depends on your partner's breath; therefore, doggie remains the favorite for morning sex.

   It's amazing what a little paint will do. Women's faces have know this for years.