Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cause nobody says, "Slow down, theres a security gaurd!"

   they say Facebook is worth $50 billion, Facebook you think you could pay someone to fix all the dam glitches

   if I could afford the wood I would have your mouth boarded up!!!

   Facebook is making it to easy and socially acceptable to stalk people.

   Max Factor - A mathematical equation based on the density of the makeup applied to a woman's face to determine if she is really beautiful.

   It's kind of sad that they replaced Mailbox on Blue's Clues with e-mail.

   figured out that bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

   Don't worry about it, the next man no matter how much he is smiling and acting like they got it together is struggling too! Keep fighting.

   "Like a good neighbor....State Farm is there......with a shovel....getting all this white crap outta my yard"

   Oprah's show on Veganism just inspired me to eat a Cheeseburger.

   A neurotic is a person who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the person who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the person who collects the rent.

   When I die, someone please change my status to: "He's DEAD, Jim"

   Nothing kills your weight loss success, like thinking you can wear spandex.

   I remember something traumatic from when I was two days old. The Doctor performing my circumcision looked at me, with knife in hand and said, "It won't be long now!"

   Don't take me for granted and break my heart, because unlike the others, I will kick your a$$.

   Apparently Anthony Weiner has too many photos of his junk to keep track of..

   Dont wear white shorts and a blue thong and get mad when our eyes lock...thats like sitting at a bar and getting mad when the bartender asks if you want a drink

   my new summer accesory is a fly swatter, not to use on flies but to actually pimp slap people who feel that its not necessary to use deodorant

   has become a master at using shake weights...I guess those trombone lessons paid off after all!

   doesn't think a remake of the Wizard of Oz would be good. If Dorothy were to encounter men with no brain, heart, or courage today she would be in congress.