Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll have what she's shaving.

   OK. Who wants to put on a bear costume and go on a rampage tearing apart the tents of people camping outside of Best Buy for Black Friday?

   Manslaughter: The sound a man makes when laughing.

   Once, in 1998, I read a website's terms and conditions page.

   Sex is like school .. you miss a period & you're in trouble.

   I see you have a tribal tattoo, I didn't know Douchebag was a tribe.

   Why do all gang members have arthritis in their fingers?

   My pet rock turned 4,000,000,001 today

   Brett Favre has thrown his hat into the ring to replace the injured Jay Cutler. The hat was immediately intercepted and returned for a TD.

   I wonder if that McDonald's in Saint Louis is ever going to finish their giant sign...?

   I gave our new female employee an instant promotion in exchange for sex. You should've seen her face when she found out I wasn't the boss.m

   Pretending to read your birthday card after the money has fallen out...

   I used to be a man trapped in a woman's body... Then I was born and that ended that fiasco.

   First rule of Alzheimer's club:

   If I bet a hooker $100 that she can't make me cum...is that illegal gambling or prostitution?

   I'm convinced...you can set up a profile, put up a pic of a t-urd in a skirt and hi heels wearing make-up, and some l0ser on fb will comment..."UR BEAUTIFUL!"

   I just inadvertently murdered two snails in front of what I can only assume was their son. As a result, I may have just created the snail equivalent of the batman.

   I just want a woman who can lick the crumbs from the bottom of a Pringles tube.

   I always cry after sex... $400.00 is a lot of money.

   I bet an air freshener that smells like stale cigarette smoke would last forever.