Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So black ice is more dangerous and more likely to cause us harm than normal ice... Surprise Surprise.

   There was a two car pile up in mexico today...40 people died

   RODEO SEX: while having sex call her the wrong name and try to hold on for 8 seconds

   I'm sick of having to pick up women's jaws after I walk into rooms.

   Attention jobless people on Facebook....You are no longer allowed to mention "Hump Day", "TGIF" or "Can't wait for the weekend!" or anything else that implies you have to work then have days off to relax.

   Gay marriage is legal in 6 states. Having sex with a horse is legal in 23. Good going, America.

   Dating a single mother is like continuing on from somebody else's saved game.

   Let's be honest, we all know someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a 2x4.

   There's someone out there for everyone. Don't worry if you're alone, your true love is just having sex with someone else right now.

   My girlfriend wrote on a balloon, “Will you propose to me?” - So I immediately popped the question.

   Since 1972 I have survived the end of the world 43 times, I am awesome and obviously a superhero

   I never knew that "never odd or even" is "never odd or even" spelt backwards!

   just bought this book called "What Men Think About Besides Sex and Money"...... It's 500 Blank Pages...... :-/

   I dont ask for a blow job because the word job makes it sound like its strenuous physical labor. Instead, I ask for mouth hugs.

   Either I made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.

   was talking with my neighbor when we saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law. My neighbor said "Are you going to help?" I said No, six should be enough.

   Stop chasing him. Stop turn around and see who's chasing you

   Relationships are like fat people, most of them don't work out.

   I wonder if women ever walk into a bar, see lots of women and think, "This bar sucks, it's a taco fest in here!"

   Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up.