Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When somebody sends me a 'k' text, I assume they forgot the rest of "fuc_ you" so I make sure to correct them.

   North Korea is pretty stupid for threating the United States especially when their air force uses 70's era aircraft. United States will kick your ass. It's what we do for fun.

   This North Korea situation is turning into the slowest Bond movie ever.

   The lady told me to make myself at home, so I shotgunned a bottle of wine, masturbated then cried myself to sleep. Best job interview ever!

   What concert ticket costs 0.45 cents? .... 50 cent Feat. Nickleback....

   "What do you mean, my birth certificate expired? "

   receives sound advice from girlfriends. 99% sound, 1% advice.

   So black ice is more dangerous and more likely to cause us harm than normal ice... Surprise Surprise.

   There was a two car pile up in mexico today...40 people died

   RODEO SEX: while having sex call her the wrong name and try to hold on for 8 seconds

   I'm sick of having to pick up women's jaws after I walk into rooms.

   Attention jobless people on Facebook....You are no longer allowed to mention "Hump Day", "TGIF" or "Can't wait for the weekend!" or anything else that implies you have to work then have days off to relax.

   Gay marriage is legal in 6 states. Having sex with a horse is legal in 23. Good going, America.

   Dating a single mother is like continuing on from somebody else's saved game.

   Let's be honest, we all know someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a 2x4.

   There's someone out there for everyone. Don't worry if you're alone, your true love is just having sex with someone else right now.

   My girlfriend wrote on a balloon, “Will you propose to me?” - So I immediately popped the question.

   Since 1972 I have survived the end of the world 43 times, I am awesome and obviously a superhero

   I never knew that "never odd or even" is "never odd or even" spelt backwards!

   just bought this book called "What Men Think About Besides Sex and Money"...... It's 500 Blank Pages...... :-/