Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend just said, "Your obsession with cats is out of control, so I've packed your bags." I think she's kicking meeeowt.

   not a stalker. Look! Here's a picture of you in the shower... am I in it? Nooooo!

   believes it's time to celebrate nipples. Without them, boobies would be pointless!

   Women are like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get...so you should sample them all...maybe eat a few too...

   Mitt Romney's cat walked into a bar. Well, no it didn't. Yes it did. No it didn't. Yes it did.

   Don't let this smile fool you. I'll put it in your ass without asking.

   I am going to buy a sodastream machine. If you piss in it you can make your own Miller Lite,,,

   "I only cheated on you with girls" is the most beautiful thing a woman has ever said to me.

   I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.

   I hate when girls post about their relationship all day. B*tch no one gives a f*ck if your boyfriend bought you a bagel.

   I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

   I am always confused when people ask me.. "Did you sleep good?" I always wonder if they want me to say.."No, I made a few mistakes"..

   I like to hide in the clothing racks at department stores and while people are browsing yell PICK ME! PICK MEEEEE!

   I want a Toyota even more than before. Now if you get pulled over you can blame the accelerator!

   reminds you that people will believe anything if it's whispered.

   has two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

   ust read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them.

   Don't worry about what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Worry about what you eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving

   I met a woman last night who said she would take me to heaven for $50. Damn these religious fanatics and their annoying fund-raising scams

   ‎...Is it just me or is Ed Hardy and Affliction in an all out war with each other to make the douchiest t-shirt possible. These things are like 95% rhinestones and glitter, these shirts scream I touch myself when I watch Brokeback Mountain.