Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I only cheated on you with girls" is the most beautiful thing a woman has ever said to me.

   I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.

   I hate when girls post about their relationship all day. B*tch no one gives a f*ck if your boyfriend bought you a bagel.

   I can't believe I got sacked from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

   I am always confused when people ask me.. "Did you sleep good?" I always wonder if they want me to say.."No, I made a few mistakes"..

   I like to hide in the clothing racks at department stores and while people are browsing yell PICK ME! PICK MEEEEE!

   I want a Toyota even more than before. Now if you get pulled over you can blame the accelerator!

   reminds you that people will believe anything if it's whispered.

   has two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

   ust read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them.

   Don't worry about what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Worry about what you eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving

   I met a woman last night who said she would take me to heaven for $50. Damn these religious fanatics and their annoying fund-raising scams

   ‎...Is it just me or is Ed Hardy and Affliction in an all out war with each other to make the douchiest t-shirt possible. These things are like 95% rhinestones and glitter, these shirts scream I touch myself when I watch Brokeback Mountain.

   Little girl asked her father,do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time?The father replied,No, some begin with - If elected I promise..

   still wants to know if everybody's still attending my Huge Orgy Party held on December 21, 2012 at my place?"

   Thanksgiving may be the only time some people in California see real breasts

   I love it how doctors show you pictures of smoker's ugly lungs and non smokers healthy lungs when technically both sets of lungs came from DEAD PEOPLE.

   how many times can you post the cougar/nittany lion thing. there is three per page! OK, WE GET IT!

   Life's like a box of chocolate, it doesn't last very long for fat people.

   I am so sick of Irish Stereotypes ....as soon as I finish this pint of Guinness I'm gonna punch someone in the face