Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is only one woman who has truly changed me. It was my mother and I was a baby.

   thinking...do I say grace over LEFTOVERS...since I blessed it when I cooked it...dont wanna bother god with old chicken wings

   Larry King's wife is accusing him of cheating on her. "Yeah, get in line," said Death.

   likes to think that when I squish an ant, its final thought is, "Good. Being an ant blows."

   Welcome To Sh*t Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

   I may not be the best looking guy in the room, buuut I am the only one talking to you

   I had to separate the Aunt Jemima and the Uncle Ben in my pantry. Ben won't keep his hands off those big flapjacks..

   When asked "What would you bring with you to a deserted island", how come no one ever replies, "A boat."?

   doing a crossword puzzle. Need a 7 letter word that may or may not contain the number 6

   Nudist Camp sign: "Sorry, Clothed for Winter".

   Being Single Means An Empty Butter Tub Becomes An Instant Cereal Bowl. Being Single And Drunk Means Not Washing The Butter Tub First.

   *confetti falls* DING! DING! DING! *audience cheers* *in my gameshow host voice* COOOOONGRATULATIONS! YOU'RE THE 1000th PERSON TO MENTION THE FACT THAT IT'S FRIDAY IN YOUR STATUS. JERRY, TELL 'EM WHAT THEY'VE WON! *door opens* ABBBBBBSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!

   2012: get rich or die Mayan!

   My girlfriend just said, "Your obsession with cats is out of control, so I've packed your bags." I think she's kicking meeeowt.

   not a stalker. Look! Here's a picture of you in the shower... am I in it? Nooooo!

   believes it's time to celebrate nipples. Without them, boobies would be pointless!

   Women are like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get...so you should sample them all...maybe eat a few too...

   Mitt Romney's cat walked into a bar. Well, no it didn't. Yes it did. No it didn't. Yes it did.

   Don't let this smile fool you. I'll put it in your ass without asking.

   I am going to buy a sodastream machine. If you piss in it you can make your own Miller Lite,,,