Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most people's religion or faith has a switch which they can conveniently switch on and off whenever it suits them.

   It's time for my weekly game of, "Let's see how long I can drive with my gas light on."

   The words synonym and antonym are antonyms.. Well played, antonym......... Well played

   Strangers think I’m quiet, my friends think I’m outgoing, my best friends know I’m insane.

   I'm not "sitting alone at the bar," I'm a happy hour "first responder."

   It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

   I don't run often, but when I do, it's with arms and fingers completely straight, super-cool gymnast style.

   Tell her you love her hair, her eyes, the way she wrinkles her nose...and get laid this weekend.

   Stand next to a guy using a public urinal...Stare at him...Wait until he looks at you.Look in his eyes and say "Don't make this weird, bro."

   Instagram has added video support. Now I get to watch a video of people eating their food!!!

   Umm, when someone posts that they're having a bad day, I don't think it's proper Facebook etiquette to "like" their status.

   I don't care who you are, fatso, get that sleigh, and those reindeer, off my roof!

   I wish I had a lower I.Q., so that I could enjoy your company.

   By definition, shouldn't the word "unique" have zero synonyms in a thesaurus?

   am not single, I'm romantically challenged.

   Just got a Facebook "confirmed friend request" email from the bar I got kicked out of a few weeks ago. That means I'm allowed back in, right?

   Just got an email from Myspace that said, "see what your friends are up to!". Facebook. That's what they are up to. It's over....Tom

   its better to waste years waiting for the right person to come than to waste years regretting that you didnt

   There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works

   I live and yearn.