Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I'll let you know if we can be friends.

   Ladies: You texted him but he hasn't texted back? Don't be too quick to assume he is ignoring you, instead assume he was obviously so excited to get your text message that he fainted.

   I bet vegetarians don't even feel guilty eating baby carrots

   Restaurant hosts: Stop asking, we all want a booth.

   I'm chivalrous. I always hold the door open for a woman so I can get a better look at her butt.

   Groupon's slogan should be: "Nothing you want but at least your inbox isn't empty!"

   It's weird...I keep hitting the home button on my phone, but I'm still at work..

   Everytime I hear of someone that was attacked by a shark, I think "didn't they hear the music?"

   I am so sick and tired of your sh!t. You are lucky I am not banging your wife and making you watch... just practicing what I will say to my boss if I win the lottery tonight.

   Can we stop all this about this Snookie. I doubt many of us give a baboon's bollok about it or her.

   I dont mind going to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is bullsh*t

   My phone is smarter than you.

   Ok, give the Southwest Airlines pilot a break....at least he woke up the air traffic controllers!

   My boss asked why I was so late. I said this guy had lost £20. My boss then asked if id helped look for it, I said No, I was standing on it.

   I gave a pint of blood yesterday. I hate mosquito season.

   I like to show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

   I have never been a big fan of Mr. Bubble. I find it odd that I'm not allowed to be on a first-name basis with someone who has seen me naked hundreds of times

   There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.

   A paper cut is the paper's way of saying,"If I was still a tree, I would give you a damn splinter,but this is the best I can do"

   Dear Superman, I understand... I have a weakness for a certain type of rock too. Sincerely, Lindsay Lohan..