Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet vegetarians don't even feel guilty eating baby carrots

   Restaurant hosts: Stop asking, we all want a booth.

   Can we stop all this about this Snookie. I doubt many of us give a baboon's bollok about it or her.

   I dont mind going to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is bullsh*t

   My phone is smarter than you.

   Ok, give the Southwest Airlines pilot a break....at least he woke up the air traffic controllers!

   My boss asked why I was so late. I said this guy had lost £20. My boss then asked if id helped look for it, I said No, I was standing on it.

   I gave a pint of blood yesterday. I hate mosquito season.

   I like to show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

   I have never been a big fan of Mr. Bubble. I find it odd that I'm not allowed to be on a first-name basis with someone who has seen me naked hundreds of times

   There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.

   A paper cut is the paper's way of saying,"If I was still a tree, I would give you a damn splinter,but this is the best I can do"

   Dear Superman, I understand... I have a weakness for a certain type of rock too. Sincerely, Lindsay Lohan..

   When I was a baby I kept a diary. Recently I was reading, it said: Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I am some kind of idiot.

   When you cut the head off a snake, it doesn't die right away, it's still dangerous. The war on terror is NOT over, just yet.

   Girls fall in love with what they hear, Boys fall in love with what they see, that's why girls wear make up and boys lie.

   Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."

   I am convinced God only created six days and the devil added Monday.

   I am aware that I am less than what some people prefer me to be but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.

   off to Mamby-Pamby land in search of self-confidence.