Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I die, I want my last words to be: "I left a million dollars under the...."

   If you were to start a summer camp for kids with ADHD, is it politically incorrect to call it a concentration camp?

   STARTING a new company, "Skydiving For Pedophiles." Participants must pay in advance. Cash only.

   reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?

   When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

   If lesbians hate men so much, then why do they all try to look like truck drivers?

   I was at Mcdonalds today when a rather large woman served me , when she finally gave me my order she said "sorry about the wait" and I said "Don't worry sweetheart , you'll lose it eventually"

   TSA: Touching, Squeezing, Arresting...

   Unbeknownst to most theologians, there were actually four wise men. But he was turned away for bringing a fruit cake..

   ..bets living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

   I assume most animals are in the zoo for some pretty serious crimes.

   The fact "gorilla" does not rhyme with "tortilla" infuriates me.

   the perfect body.......would someone please help me get it out of my trunk though, it's really starting to smell.

   The police NEVER think it's as funny as I do!.(;

   Email from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW: No subject

   Unlike my girlfriend Facebook goes down.

   Unless you want to f*ck me, why do you care what I look like?

   Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" have a "Use By" date?

   Sometimes girls try too hard for boys that dont even care....its kinda sad...girls nowadays are losing their self-respect...

   If you're horny and you know it, use your hands.