Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn't like it.

   I'm now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.

   thinks the only reason the Easter bunny hides his eggs is cause he doesn't want anyone to know he screwed a chicken.

   I'm sorry, Talking to you seems as appealing as playing leapfrog with unicorns.

   Any boy can be a dad but only a real man can be a father

   Dear freezer, I get so hard for you. Sincerely Water.

   I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my monitor if I leave it idle for 10 minutes... it's my screen savior.

   My friend asked me if his car's blinker worked. I checked and said: yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.

   The barman says "we don't serve time travellers in here". A time traveller walks into a bar.

   At the mall this weekend.... The angry parents screaming for their son "Marco!!!" did not find it amusing when I kept yelling "POLO!!!" back at them from my dressing room.

   I have taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me...send money.

   Of course money buys happiness! You ever seen a homeless person skip?

   Fell out of the boat today after watching shark week........ I swam like a two legged deer

   If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.

   My new hobby is Ice Sculpting... yesterday I made a cube

   I don't smoke pot. But hang with people who do. They have great snack ideas, and if you're broke, it is a good group to hang out with for a free meal. If all they're stoned, just start talking about pizza, or fried chicken. Snack time!

   I thought I had an STD but the doctor said it was just rust.

   There would be a lot less litter in the world if we just sharpened the walking sticks for the blind.

   It takes a big man to cry, it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man

   Typical Saturday Morning: Who's bed is this and where are my pants?